My boobs are just low enough for you to know they’re not AI.

MOM THE PEOPLE IN MY PHONE ARE BEING STUPID AGAIN

fortune cookie: "Hello Neo."

Tic Tac Toe, except it’s just me trying to leave the toe attached to the rest of the evidence

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

You break it*, you buy it.

*my will to live

Thinking about buying an Amazon van so I can park anywhere.

The swimming pool on the titanic is still full.

how about a bottle of wine and some chin music

MAGA is why we need instructions on shampoo bottles

It’s like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you

Octopuses have 3 hearts and 0 respect for human boundaries. That’s the energy I want.

Reply Guy? More like Reply Legend

I hate that I know exactly what you’re talking about 😂

snap crackle pop some advil

[watching any hostage situation]

JUST SPIT THE CLOTH OUT!!!

Not now.

I’m writing my womanifesto.

I always wear cargo shorts, cuz I need the pockets for my scrambled eggs.

him: show me what you want me to do to you

me:

I only pose with giant sea life because it makes me feel skinny.

YAYYYYYY 😁

Set phasers to forcible evolution

I wish they made refrigerated bras.

This dimensional overlap is exhausting.

In America, a group of crows is called a homicide.

Space X should just change their name to ACME at this point

She was captivating, like being handcuffed to a pipe in a basement.

How long after a tonsillectomy is it safe to give a blowjob?

~ asking for my wife (tonsils removed, August 2013)

(losing my muse in a sea of umbrellas) This is easily the most inspired sea of umbrellas I've ever seen

if only I loved myself a fraction as much as politicians love killing their constituents