it's been a while since ive experienced shame this bad i might just try and curl into a ball again and not post for a bit

i should probably try to be more normal around strangers huh

I just feel like I'm fundamentally useless as a person and everything I do to change it is so fucking difficult to do one way or another

woke up wanting to die

i can already tell the way my advisors are going to accuse me of making excuses and being lazy when i genuinely have struggled to even start something at all with computer science stuff of any kind

it's my capstone lol

I don't know why I didn't put effort into the research project at all this semester. I tried my best to explain to my research advisor that I just couldn't bring myself to work on it more than a few minutes at a time and I don't know why.

this was all brought upon me by myself but jesus christ

3 meetings tomorrow and all of them are about my future in some way or another im going to actually implode i cant handle this

wow im going to implode. my advisor wants to meet in-person with me tomorrow to discuss what he wants to do with me not doing any work for the project in 3 months and im half-convinced he's just going to kick me off the project entirely

i think i might be cooked lol

I should probably accept that there's a chance that I'll have to work retail or food service at this point. I need to swallow that possibility

i dont even want to go at this point but it just feels like my relationship with my family is entirely hinged on me going to one. i dont know what im going to do either way. i dont have a car. i dont have a credit card. if they kick me out i dont know how im going to survive

i really really want to vomit i think. every time i think about grad school or realize ive been forgetting something crucial about it it just makes me sick.

and my bus just whizzed right past me because it couldn't see me standing under the doorway of another building. Fuck my life

Fuck all that for now I think I'm just gonna draw old men with boobs until I feel like trying again

the guy was a gentleman but I'm thinking I'm gonna put off this whole sex thing irl until later

having an identity crisis that really just boils down to "am I addicted to porn and got let down by my unrealistic fantasies or was this guy I hooked up with not hot"

okay done. good night

this paper sucks i wish i was done already so that i can just go to sleep to meet men tomorrow

got different dates for two weekends in a row. dog what is happening

truthfully this is just me wanting to fuck around a bit before I go back home in 4 weeks (if I actually graduate)

i wasted like 4 years of being away from home and i didnt even try so might as well

hit up a conversation with a cute guy around my age at least

not gonna pursue a relationship or anything because i dont feel ready for that but i'm just gonna see how this goes

just set up a profile on a gay dating app (not grindr) but jesus i feel nervous

i feel like im just stepping into uncharted territory over here

starting to wonder if i want to apply to another grad school at this point. im already leaning towards wanting to get another job instead of going to grad school so completing another application just feels like a waste of time and money

I am not saying that your experiences aren't valid but I do not think social media is the best place to air them out

(cw: self-harm)
how do I tell a mutual that no posting about how fucking good seeing blood and treating other people as meat and calling people who block or unfollow milquetoast isn't the way to go