So we're at the 'cracking Pearl Harbor jokes in front of Japan's Prime Minister' stage of his presidency now? Cool

No hole he digs will ever be deep enough to bury the Epstein files in

Our war with Iran won't be over until Target tells us it's over

What we really need is a Duck Boat tanker, right?

To be honest, I find the idea of being in close proximity to Shia LaBeouf equally scary

We sure went from Board of Peace to bored with peace right quick, didn't we

This is the infrastructure of corruption—banks, politics, media, and entertainment all normalized and enabled a predator.
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4/5

When it comes to wasting money, go-funding dead multimillionaire TV stars is the new NFTs

PSA: The sooner you install a bidet in your home, the sooner you can start kicking yourself for not having done it years ago

As far as I'm concerned, Jerome Powell is the sexiest man alive right now

We're at a truly pivotal moment, I fear.

If Congress can't even come together after what happened in Minneapolis to put an end to the murder police, we may as well shutter the Capitol building and hand him a crown

If I ever walk past you on an airport moving walkway please know I'm making Steve Austin bionic sounds in my head while I do.

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee is probably feeling pretty smug right about now

Headline screengrab reads "CIA strike brings Trump closer to grave [line break] new year decisions on Venezueal"

Bit of a roller coaster ride as headlines go

I call it Plurunumbus just to annoy my friends

I'm just a boy standing in front of his TV begging a girl "FFS, Carol, just press * and skip the OGM"

image of vehicle heading into farm country. news headline announces "trump to unveil $12 billion bailout for farmers"

Hang in there, red state farmers

Socialism is on its way

Is anyone really surprised Megyn Kelly was the one to kick off the Pedo-pology Tour?

Trump (clutching Dodgers ticket stub from 1998):
"Racked up my first World Series Championship!"

Using my extra hour this morning to toss some laundry in, clean the bathroom and hit the grocery just kidding I'm still asleep

If your kid expects me to open my door tonight they'd best come dressed in an Amazon Flex vest

Nothing is inevitable. Effort is everything. Ignore the polls and run through the tape.

Vote: zohranfornyc.com/vote
Canvass + phonebank: zohranfornyc.com/gotv

Why does everyone keep calling it “The Epstein Ballroom?” Please stop repeating “The Epstein Ballroom” because it is not called “The Epstein Ballroom!” Don’t tell the news that it’s called “The Epstein Ballroom” and please don’t repost this!!!!!

FACT: Your laptop never seems dirty until someone else is looking at it

So long as they acknowledge alcohol is a drug, this has my full support

young, handsome, and elaborately dressed policeman/detective in rakishly tilted fedora, gold vest and jacket pictured with other french police outside louvre

If Hollywood's taught me anything, Fedora Guy's either the secret mastermind behind the Louvre heist, or he's there to solve the crime single-handedly.

Headed to #NoKingsDay Boston.

QQ: Does Soros withhold taxes from my pay upfront, or is this more of a Homan-style, paper bag situation?

Taking a moment this morning to imagine a Buttigieg/Mamdani administration, out there somewhere in the multiverse

Honestly surprised they didn't just distribute a photo of him swimming the Yangtze river

Cool. I didn't realize the UK had its own version of the National Enquirer

Go ahead and put me in the 'Pro Rapture' column. I'm fairly confident it'd solve a LOT of our current problems.

Hit me up on the 25th to discuss further.