I really doubt that Bruce Springsteen was born to run. Pretty sure that he was born without knees, like the rest of us.

I grew up so poor that I STILL use both sides of a post-it note.

The instant replay kept looping the moment I slipped on the stairs. I laughed until I noticed the angle of my neck was worse each time. By the fifth replay, the version on screen stood up while I stayed on the floor. It looked down at me and hit play again.

Is this road drunk? Because it's absolutely plowed.
*rimshot heard
I'll walk from here.

My superpower is complaining that life is too short while I'm actually still alive.

My 2016 vs 2026 photos look less like a glow‑up and more like a documentary about consequences.

Lightning activity hit an eight‑year high. God's electric bill must be insane.

At night the chalk outlines shimmered, rising from the pavement in warped, ashen shapes that bent wrong at the joints. They moved without sound, hunting the ones who had drawn them. By dawn, the streets were bare and the officers lay where the chalk had been.

I had to explain to my mom for the third time that a Brazilian is not a number.

I picked up a really thick accent lamp. I can't understand a thing it says.

Plot Twist:
He loved her until the very end... and beyond.

Scientists say 2025 was one of the warmest years ever. Shocking news for anyone who’s been outside for five seconds.

They mapped dark matter, expecting silence. Instead, the instruments clamored. The void was not empty but packed with shapes pressing in, listening. Every star was a pinhole in their prison wall, and now the shapes knew exactly where to find us.

Valentine’s Day is only a month away, which means I’ve got 30 days to emotionally prepare for the annual reminder that even my houseplants get more affection than I do.

I read that an ancient forest was found at the bottom of a massive sinkhole. Somewhere, an open-world game is missing its DLC.

I'm only here to observe and point out odd things, and present them to you for consideration. Once I am done, I'll return to my home planet a stranger, no longer fitting in among my own people.

A remarkably preserved baby dinosaur was discovered in an egg. It's okay little guy, I feel shy sometimes too.

What if Sherlock Holmes didn't use his magnifying glass for clues? What if he just hated ants?

I want a first kiss so powerful that I don't just see fireworks... I invent them.

A breakthrough drug reversed paralysis in mice. Meanwhile, I can’t reverse the damage from one bad night of sleep.

I erased his face from a photo with the removal tool. The next day, his desk at work was empty. No one remembered him but me. I tested it again. Each swipe took another person, until my gallery was clean and the world was almost empty. Almost.

If you really enjoy listening to me, a 10% tip is acceptable, but a 20% tip would be even better.
- A love story

Honestly? I think that you are sublime. Not great, but less than a lime.

I bought her a belly button ring, so now I'm engaged to her stomach.

I wish that everyone who says MIGHT DELETE LATER would just delete now, instead of begging for reactions.

She said she was into butt stuff, so I bought her extra-strength mouthwash.

Earth is so bad that dying and going to a better place could actually mean Hell and still be accurate.

Eventually, Inspector Gadget's niece died, leaving him heartbroken and Penniless.

I wouldn't mind some instant gratification, but I probably won't need it until tomorrow.

What if karma's not a bitch? What if you just put her in a bad mood? Again.