Officially 20 years into my midlife crisis.

In Southern California, 4/20 celebrates YOU.

I got two burnt bagels and a slice of scone.

#WhereItsAt
#420

Today in “weird things I never thought I’d be grateful for”: the grocery store in walking distance has no membership or loyalty cards. The listed price is the price. The sale price is for everyone, not just members. No typing in your phone number. No points. No deadnames. Just groceries.

If I were a 19th Century German Emperor who planned to rule forever, I'd call myself "Kaiser Permanente".

still waiting for the sequel
"Ex Machina Deuce: Deus Ex Machina"

To me, you’ll always be that joke thing listed in your bio.

just bought some scissors
they came in a blister back
who’s got a blow torch?

Hilarious that most people who don’t know all the deets yet can just hear “RFK” and “racoon penis” and respond “yeah, that tracks”.

Tired of being invited to neighborhood potlucks?
Follow me for more #LifeTips

I think most people would prefer this. #Science

Had a dream Cookie Monster sang REO Speedwagon:
"Cuz me can't fight this feelin' anymooore,
me forgotten what me started fighting fooor. . ."

A: I'm archetype A.
B: I'm archetype B.
A: I propose C.
B: I'm hesitant about C.
A: Let's debate C for 8 minutes.

- every improv scene in LA

Shriekback - Nemesis (Official Music Video) YouTube video by ShriekbackVEVO

Some mornings can only be jump-started by 80's subversive British underground Satanic progressive techno funk*. . .

*where the channel for THAT, Sirius XM? HMMM?!!!

youtu.be/6bMM61Y5CEU

The existence of Plastic Bertrand implies the existence of a series of Bertrands made from natural, albeit less durable, materials.

Oh. . .*quietly snickering*. . .
that's not my REAL facade.

"Is it hot in here? Or do I have malaria?"

- Roy Feltner (RIP)

To whoever stole my dictionary... I have no words.

Streamer Clavicular dog watered cringe, bouncing hospitalized dueto livestream overdose.

The only words I understood in that sentence were "hospitalized" and "overdose".

#JokesThatDidntMakeTheShow

Waymo and Wayze have announced a program to help solve LA's pothole problem -

by filling them with car parts from accidents caused by Waymo and Wayze.

#JokesThatDidntMakeTheShow

The vice president said that if the Pope was "going to opine on matters of theology" his comments needed to be "anchored in the truth".

J.D. is right. The truth is a slippery slope - like a freshly scotch-guarded couch.

##JokesThatDidntMakeTheShow

The "corporations are people" crowd must not think people pay taxes.

"Improv skills"
+
"non-union audition"
=
"unpaid, uncredited writing gig - in fact, nobody will even remember you were here, but if you did anything good, it will get used"

"Gonna feel like Hell tomorrow, so I won't go to sleep tonight. Na na na na na na sorrow - everything's gonna be alright! "

- Too Much Joy, 'King of Beers'

Prominent investment firms forecast that prediction markets will grow to $1 trillion by 2030.
Betcha they don’t…damn it, now I’m part of the problem.

Disney has begun laying off 1,000 employees.
In a related story, Marvel Studios announced its new super-villain feature “Laid-off Man: origins”.

The woman known in her infancy as “baby Jessica” was arrested on Saturday for assault.
Well, well, well.

Pouring one out for H.R. Pufnstuf.

He called the Pope “a very liberal person”

Yes, yes he is. The pope is very liberal just like Jesus. Following the teachings of Christ is indistinguishable from liberalism.