actually i feel like all the evil pain and suffering in the world comes from me ik that it sounds ridiculous but that's a legitimate belief

i might just be the unlucky charm of this family because those are the greatest people i know yet they keep on being forced to live through hell dealing with terrible circumstances and evil people and i feel like somehow I'm the source of all that's bad

how i wish i had a piece of rope rn

not kidding when i say that i might actually decide to end myself soon living was not made for me and it's becoming more and more apparent with each day idk how to even describe this feeling i know with my entire body and soul that i have to escape

haven't been this suicidal in years icl

happy cat day

starts feeling real and i notice the lack of her in all the small simple steps of our daily routine

she lived in my room since i was like 5 all i would do after school was come back to her then when i dropped out and started self isolating for now 7 years I'd spend every single second of every day being able to just look over to see her I'm not prepared for how empty and lonely I'll feel once it

I'm crying and having a physical reaction but i don't feel anything I'm glad she's not in pain anymore but it hasn't clicked in my head that it's done I'm alone in my room now it feels like when she hd to stay at the vet for a few hours and all i had to do was pick her up it just doesn't feel right

she's gone and idk if my brain fully processed it just yet

I've cared for planty of terminally ill humans and animals so I'm aware of that so is the medical professional in my house all I was saying in my initial post was that i wouldn't euthanase someone who can still fulfill their needs without needing much help and being in too much pain

idrk what the goal of saying that was if I'm being honest i said that I'm not delusional and know that she'll pass soon it might give her a few more days it might not she's been given medication to manage the pain and is back home which are both likely the reason for her being slightly better also

like I'm not delusional she has a human sized massivle tumour in her tummy and that's that but like how am i supposed to let her go when she's still able to get up and just be her cute little self

i can't say yes to euthanasia when she's in a state like this it's a decision I'll make once there's not an ounce of fight left in her maybe it's selfish but

woke up to her getting up to get food and water on her own cleaning herself and even playing with my headphones and her chestnut toy a little which makes me both happy and sad

i could settle on 5 i just really want for the date to have some deeper spiritual meaning both for her and myself and i don't know what i could associate with the 5th

friday and i don't want to make her suffer for any longer than she has to 6th is already pushing it but on Monday we'll be calling all the cremation places to pick the right one and set everything up and then I'd spend the entire Tuesday with her and say goodbye in the morning

it has to be this week so i was thinking 6 since it's the lovers card in tarot and she truly is my onw and only forever soulmate that i believe I'll keep on getting reunited with till the day the universe comes to an end 8 sounded great too as in infinity also 808 but it's

since i kind of get to pick the date of her passing I've been trying to settle for the most meaningful number but i just dk

I've been trying to control my crying by watching silly stuff that makes me laugh bc crying non stop every day and night already gave me a migraine but for some reason i feel guilty when i laugh i feel like a bad person for being able to disconnect at a time like this

omg this would've been perfect i wish we had them in my country

crying tysm for suvh sweet words

omg tysm I'm gonna have to look into it

gosh i hope that there's a way to transfer the ashes to a different urn later on if not directly then i hope that i can at least put the lil paper like default box into a bigger urn as a whole

that's a great idea I'll resort to that it there's no other way

thing is i haven't been able to find non toxic paint other than face paint for kids but i fear that i wouldn't last :/ also yeah the salt dough dries out! and is sadly my only option atm i was more so wondering if i could seal it with resin lacquer or smth of thw sort

if i had the money I'd get all the memorabilia thalt they're selling at the cremation centre but i can barely afford the cremation itself n thr bank won't let me takr a loan like i can't even get her a proper urn rn bc of how expensive the daily vet visits are

i wapnt to get one of thosr voice boxes thst they put in plushies fill it with recordings of my sunshines lil noises n put it in my childhood teddy but ones tht support digital audio so hard to come by....

I've been collecting her whiskers fur nails got one of her teeth in my wallet picture of every singe detail of body recordings of her purrs and all i but it still doesn't feel like enough

don't have the time to order a paw print kit so I just made some salt dough but nowi need to find a way to seal it to make itlast forever n not mold also idk how to get a 2d paw print asap and i need to get it tattooed