[trying to impress a woman]

*shits my pants trying to rip a phone book in half*

If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Found a faded five dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans so yes I'm guilty of money laundering.

Ioad bearing vagina, is this anything?

Joggers? Oh no, dear. These are sitters.

This is the dumbest apocalypse.

I'm upgrading my algorithm. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

in this house we only use proper terms like richardnary

Being unemployed still rules... only thing on my to do list today is steal a packet of ranch dressing from wawa

Daddy, why does the Easter Bunny have an ankle monitor like Uncle Carl?

I can’t believe I still fit in my wife’s wedding dress.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

But these are my fancy picking up bitches Crocs

She was dazzling, like a laser pointer to the eyeballs.

Look me in the ass and tell me you love me.

I want you to know that I hear you. I’m not actually listening and I don’t like it, but I hear you.

Telling the cheese you’re eating that it’s your favourite cheese is like picking a favourite child, something you should only ever do when all the other cheeses are out of earshot.

Fun fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Funner fact: There are 338 when you make them smile.

You might argue it’s the Hulk or Shrek, but I think the Jolly Green Giant probably has the largest green penis.

Tits out for Saint Patrick

If you’re not willing to pick your cat up so he can look out the window to watch the birds, you are a terrible person

I’m here to make puns and lose friends.

Experience all the thrills of gambling without the financial risk simply by not deleting your browsing history from the family computer.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I am “peed myself laughing” is no longer a joke years old

[dipping a block of cream cheese into grain alcohol]
“I’m fine, why”

A dog stares at a tree in a painting on the wall.

“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

at this point are there even any bats left in hell

I hope you don't get pregnant from staring at my perm.

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.