I’m really enjoying LeBron’s old guy at the Y years.

rupi kaur how is it so easy for you to be kind to people he asked milk and honey dripped from my lips as i answered cause people have not been kind to me

Goodnight.

It’s profoundly ignorant to suggest that the Pope should be fighting crime on behalf of the Catholic Church. Anyone who was remotely familiar with Roman Catholicism would know that that’s what Daredevil is for

I just punched myself in the balls with a cat.

I mean, Al Gore was literally VP.

Trump has issued a stern warning to Iran that if the Strait of Hormuz isn't fully open within twenty-four hours, he's going to demolish another piece of the White House.

John Brown (abolitionist) - Wikipedia

Hey John Brown was 56 before he killed his first slave owner.

You've got time! :)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Br...

Christopher Guest as the villainous Count Rugen in The Princess Bride

"I've just sucked one hour of your life away... what did this do to you?

Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity… so be honest."

There’s a rumor it was autoerotic asphyxiation.

A box of Natalie’s Blood Orange Juice on a sample table at Costco with sample cups on it.

You can really taste the blood.

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

You want to hear an absolutely fantastic Olympic story?

You legit might happy cry 🥹

You may laugh, but the Macbeths are a much better role model for a marriage than Romeo and Juliet. They discuss their problems (killing the king of Scotland), share their hobbies (killing the king of Scotland), and resolve their conflicts (by killing the king of Scotland).

gradient.horse Draw a horse, watch it run!

omg everybody go draw a horse this is what the internet was made for

gradient.horse

A hand holding a carrot in a kitchen. The carrot looks like a penis.

I can’t believe I put this inside me.

Does racism destroy every republic?

Ok. Welp. This is made for late night .. 😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤭🤭🤭

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian]

me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight

St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

I’d like to propose a new name. The Donnie Doofus Doctrine.

@javgonzo.bsky.social

you could probably capture our president by writing "nobel peace prize" on a pie plate and putting it under one of those boxes held up with a stick tied to a string

Movies that a lot people don’t know are actually Christmas movies, a thread.

Halloween

1/10

A picture of a mug in a box on a shelf. The mug reads. Show me Your 🐱🐱 KITTIES

Happy Caturday!

"And Tiny Tim, who did not die" = heartwarming, Christmassy.

"And Tiny Tim, who would not die" = sinister, alarming.

be a good Santa and add Kristal to your nice list. She needs emergency help and won't have a Merry Christmas without it. I thank you and Kristal thanks you!

Elizabeth Otter was astonished & appalled at the behavior she saw at the annual holiday party, while she said nothing she could not help her body language, while thinking, “seriously, who in their right mind eats that many mussels & then gets on a table and dances like that in front of co-workers?”

Carolers always singing about infants so tender and mild like “I want my messiah falling off the bone, but not too spicy OK? Maybe like a honey bbq savior? I can’t handle a hot and spicy son of god.”

36 in SNOWFLAKE

You’re a

Sometimes I lie about my height.