realizing tsumugi aoba would be in my philosophy dni </3 i guess he's okay since he's the reason it all started but still

dni you are
- c*nsequentialist / utilit*rian/*ffective *ltruist any variation of ends justify means
- a man
- l*beral (and anything further right)
- c*pitalist (duh)
- just into an*lytic phil in general not bc i have anything against it yall r just annoying

the concept of a philosophy dni is actually so funny i wish i could use one irl

i realize this sounds a little insane but this is what dipping your toes into academia does </3 suddenly you have a blood feud over smth a dead german guy said 200 years ago but like unironically it is so deep to me please do Not interact! deontological theory only in this space!!

ew why did an *ffective *ltruist like my post from a bit ago (typing this like its a slur is so funny but idgaf i don't want them finding me! i don't know what they'll do!!) go away

i had to do a presentation last week on moral enhancement as a concept and then reading in an interview gale/peeta is meant to represent the sides of the just war debate is what broke me i fear bc what do you mean all of my current views are from the book boy i was in love with </3

clearly slightly or considerably maso but also a dom somehow for Sure childhood crush to strangers to enemies to ?? to lovers pipeline canonically disabled deontological ideology formation catalyst there's probably more but i can't think about it without screaming i miss him so bad every day

peeta mellark no one will ever be you my original blonde prince angel coded man manipulative bastard who everyone mistakes for being a sweet puppy (canon) older brother coded younger brother fucked up mom relationship actually physically imposing but so sweet you don't think about it

apex adult experience: realizing the thing you liked when you were literally 10 years old was actually the best thing ever and you keep accidentally losing your whole mind over how fucking good it is and how insanely targeted it is to My Taste (as if it didn't invent my taste)

im back into the hunger games again thats it thats the post ive been circling the drain on this but i think i might be hitting the event horizon the point of no return like i feel the rot creeping into my braijn

but it was like. this thing inside me i thought was buried suddenly just turns up and its all smooth and shiny and developed completely like a pearl and i was like ohhhh. okay we need to bury that back in the ground again rn LMAO

its more like. i don't think ive felt like this since i was a teenager i just sort of gave up on like. idk the idea that maybe masc presenting would feel any better for me than fem presenting does bc my style has been getting more fem lately and i like it! ii literally bought a skirt Today

like legitimately i looked goofy but somehow seeing my chest get lost in the size and i could see the skin of my collarbone so it was Me but it was just like. sort of a dapper man version. i got this strange feeling like tectonic plate shift in my brain type shit. um. whats up with that guys!

i was so floored it was so sudden like. i have pretty broad shoulders which im a lil insecure abt but seeing them in this outfit with a bit of my collarbone showing it just felt so. Right. like a whole part of my body just made sense somehow where it didn't before even though i didn't like the fit

today i tried on a mens button down at the thrift store which is not unusual for me but then for some reason i decided to put a vest on top of it that was way too big by accident and it was truly giving middle aged man

so why the Fuck did seeing it give me feel this ridiculous rush of euphoria

i feel like natsumechan would be proud of all my revelations. i miss natsumechan please let me have h

i miss natsumechan

i feel like i changed so easily for other people but it's hard for me to accept that i can change for myself too yknow. i think it frightens me how easy it is now but also like. in a way that's actually a good thing. in a way those bad experiences made me really good at it. yeah

i thought "i've been doing this thing for so long, it would be wrong to just change now because it's part of who i am" but its also like. i hated that shit. if i let go i would hate myself less. why did i hesitate to do it? the only person i need to answer to is me!

but like. that's not true. i do have a choice! i always have a choice, i always had it, i just didn't want to admit that i was the kind of person who would shamelessly accept things from people. but now its like. what the hell do i care! what does it matter!!

and eventually i felt like. how can i change my mind and turn back now didn't i already decide to push people away. i can't just go back on that now can i. and its like. hitting me that i Can. i can just change my mind whenever i want to. i thought i had to be angry forever and i had no choice

why do i have to? who the hell actually cares? who was i virtue signalling for? myself?? did it actually make me feel any better??? of course not it never did bc it just furthered the thought in my mind that i don't deserve anything ever and if anything it legitimized those hurtful actions

i feel like at some point i decided that in order to not forgive the people who hurt me i had to also reject their help and never ask for anything and one of those things can't exist without the other or i would be a Bad Person and i couldn't bear the thought of being so selfish. but now it's like

on god therapy Who. therapy Where. this is all natural babey i mean i am sure i would have come to these revelations sooner if someone put them in my head but like. would i. i think i needed to experience things organically to believe them so maybe its ok. anyway wow alien 1 therapy 0

i literally understood this as i was typing it out holy shit. i get it now Fuck dude. i get it. i always taught people that the way to treat me was shit but in grad school ive been teaching people that they can't just say whatever and i'm like :o that they're nice to me but like. I did that!!

meanwhile you're there suffering in silence for ?? no reason lol like no one is gonna give you a medal for acting like a martyr lmao. you have to like. teach people how to treat you yknow like they won't get that unless you show them and they can see This is what i am worth and you better do it

i feel like i thought that never bothering people was a way of showing Them love but i realize now doing that never really reaches anyone meaningfully? like if you never bother them ever it doesnt matter bc they can't appreciate something you don't do u know they have no idea and they can't grasp it

i feel like ive always put so much pride and emphasis on being "low maintenance" (read: never asking for anything ever bc i didn't think i deserved it) i am now forcibly coming to the realization that if i want to feel good i have to rely on other people and be a burden sometimes. Sickening!

one thing no one tells you about liking yourself and how you look is how expensive it is 😭 its so easy to never spend money on anything when you hate how everything looks on your body but the moment you start being like 😏 damn who's this sexy mf in the mirror you are affronted by reality

okay i needed to get that out of my system. now i have to go back to never feeling right about anything ever because i chose the field where your job is to come up with hot takes that you defend and people rip it apart :( (<-- maso who did it to themself)