ME: time to sleep

BRAIN: if ghosts can say boo that means they have lips

It’d be so funny tho 😂

The urge to steal those pants… 🤣

Instructions for a cooking pot we got from China.

Okay, cross my heart, I WILL NOT shoot the pot! 🤣😂🤣😂

BEE: *goes into hive* honey i’m home

Dessert Menu Options

- Death By Chocolate
- Paralyzed By Chocolate
- Insulted By Chocolate
- Ghosted By Chocolate
- Cheated On By Chocolate
- Slightly Embarrassed By Chocolate
- Confused By Chocolate
- NY Cheesecake

rising from the dead to become an even bigger bitch

THERAPIST: How long has it been since you experienced an anxiety attack?

SINGER FROM BARENAKED LADIES: It's been...

THERAPIST: Please. We talked about this.

the cheesy gordita crunch back of notre dame

a cow stands in an in-ground swimming pool

me: *tosses in vegetables*
him: what’s going on here?
me: nothing, relax
him: this water is kind of warm
me: shhh *adds salt*

why do they call them children, they have like zero chill

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity

EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can't float around anymore

Look I'm not the man to do this but if somebody isn't making a supercut of Rapturetok influencers realizing they have to remain on this dogshit planet right now then I don't even know why I have a computer anymore.

Coworkers are loving the recent hollow emptiness of my eyes

when the first snakes were born there was probably a bunch of long ass lizards walking around scoffing like 🙄 these kids and their fads. well i bet they feel pretty stupid now

Set phasers to regrettable life choices

🎵 He was a truck, she was a robot, can I make it anymore Optimus 🎵

Oh to be a chonky house cat rolling around in a sunbeam.

“i don’t read fiction” damn sorry about your flaccid imagination

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

Cop: what song?

Me: I'd rather not say

Cop: what song?!?

Me: I saw the sign

who keeps putting all these ‘a’s in paranoia

Customer service rep: Hi! How are you?
Me (a person with only a passing knowledge of Maryland who has been hypnotized to believe he is from Maryland and that’s all he can talk about): I love Old Bay seasoning

"I could be wrong.", I lied.

Nooo what have you done lmao

Great now I’m never going to see that word the same

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Science? Pah! “Scientists” aren’t even certain Jesus was a Capricorn

A screenshot of my wife's text that reads, "We got 2 cases left after the current one .. unless our last two show up ..so far they haven't." And my response is, "Hope they're dead!"

Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to be married to a medical professional.