I thought it was love I was feeling but it turned out just to be kidney stones

Would it help if I played my flute?

i’m such a tradwife that i can’t climax unless i’m fantasizing about churning butter

she had a wonderful way with a bayonet boy I miss her

you know what would be funny? if a weather person named mary said to “expect hail” & then the anchorman could wittily reply “hail, mary?” & then the other anchorman could look @ the camera & say “that’s what she said” & then i would say to myself “send post” & then

So I said to myself Pumpkin, I said, Pumpkin, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a hobby and a nice cup of tea.

It was Gary Busey in the attic with a lobster fork

In a toxic relationship with my banking app.

make america sane again

If you die in your dream you dye your favourite denim jacket a pale aubergine colour irl apparently.

speak softly and carry a big stick of butter

Still. There is always the impending apocalypse to look forward to, right.

Sad times.

Misery man (line drawing with sharpie) and the words EVERYTHING SUCKS

Was one forthcoming, Jennifer?

I really hate how fucking dumb people are now, like we're walking around with fucking computers in our pockets and people can't spell basic words right.

You ever commit to a bad idea mid-air?

I'd really appreciate it if someone could help me understand this

* gestures at everything

Mannequin Skywalker

'Does JD Vance give the Pope advice on Catholicism' is the new 'do bears shit in the woods'

that’s how I should answer the phone at work

-me when someone screams in a movie

Who wants to come over and melt pens with me?

someone told me it’s called the mall bc you don’t just want to go to one store you want to go to them all. and now i can’t sleep.

*seductively poisons your tea*

Iran negotiations are a circle jerk of liars who keep jerking & circling while the world looks on thinking just put your dicks away & let the women sort it out 🤦🏻‍♀️

I, too, am served fresh daily

hey babe, what do you say we turn this steakhouse into a steak home?

cutting toxicity out of my life by only engaging with people with one syllable names

I Completely Support This Petition….