Insomnia: Hello, lover.

Me: You again.

Insomnia: Remember in 6th grade when Suzy Roth waved to you and you waved back but she was really waving at Jenny Clark behind you?

Me: I see you’ve been checking the archives.

I save almost $2 per year by continuing to use deodorant sticks after the edges start gouging my armpits

did you know that every bag of dicks was traditionally hand sorted but due to increased automation in the industry a lot of dick baggers are facing stiff cutbacks? negotiations continue but with both sides holding firm the situation feels rigid and inflexible

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but with me wearing athleisure

My mother was never this supportive of me...

Why do people say “Christ on a cracker?” I’ve only been to Catholic Church once and even I know that Christ IS the cracker

Shark vs Narwhal in epic oceanic dual for the ages

How I envision every fight, disagreement, petty spat, duels or other honor-based challenges, dick-offs, public debates, God v Satan variants, and family disputes...

Locked and loaded...