Two artists competed in an art contest.

It ended in a draw!

What kind of classes do spiders attend?

Webinars

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?

He had trouble keeping his pupils in line.

What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?

They kaleidoscope.

Doc said to eat lemon rinds for my cold.

It’s a bitter peel to swallow.

What kind of classes do spiders attend?

Webinars.

To start a zoo, you apparently need 2 pandas, a grizzly, and 3 polar bears.

That’s the bear minimum.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

“Do you mind if crash here?”

The beach said, “Shore!”

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive, I had to sign a legal contract promising not to share their flatbread recipe…

Just your typical naan disclosure agreement.

Did you hear that people in Athens sleep in until noon?

Apparently, dawn is really hard on Greece.

I got in an argument in an elevator with my wife.

I was wrong on so many levels.

My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.

I named him Carson.

Don't throw sodium chloride at people.

That's a salt.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man fights the villains, but Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

I once worked at a bakery just to get by.

I really kneaded the dough.

I can’t recall how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals…

I M LIVID!

I can't take my dog to the park anymore.

The ducks keep biting him.

I should have known this would happen.

He's pure bread.

Sad news, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing someone else named Claire Lee.

But the good news? I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Incredible they made the world's strongest suction cup…

I'm not quite sure how they pulled it off.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian…

Now I need to see a Cairo practor.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike, so I took his bike away…

Then he just sat there in the yard and barked all day.

So I gave him his bike back, because his bark was worse than his bike.

I noticed that my ironing board cover was wrinkled and laughed at the irony.

Then I laughed because of the word
"irony."

My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch.

It's called lunch.

Dudes be named Will but won’t