math teacher: if you have 15 strips of bacon and four friends, two of whom want three strips each, one wants to have five, and the last wants none at all, what are you left with?
me: one friend
It was the Busta Rimes, it was the Wusta Rhymes.
You don’t realize how fragile your sanity is until your sock slides halfway off inside your shoe and you can’t fix it.
- Wheeeeeeee!*
*floaters in my eyes
TRUMP: the strait is now open and we totally won the war
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF: jesus christ dude
Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion
Always hearing the term "overzealous," yet I never hear about anyone being underzealous. That's gonna be me. I'm feeling underzealous. About everything.
One morning my brother stepped out from a camper, stretched while proclaiming what a beautiful day it was when a seagull promptly shit on his head. I think about this a lot.
Reasons I’m Better Than AI:
-cheaper, I’ll tell you your dumb idea is good for as little as €5
-less likely to kill you or your children
-smaller environmental impact
-won’t poison your town
-I don’t run on theft and plagiarism
-it’s wayyy less sad if you pay me to sext you
these random blood stains add a certain je ne sais quoi to my “good vibes only” t-shirt
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe that my body will keep moving 48 after my death…
Me: [idly looking up info on popes]
Wikipedia: This list is incomplete; you can help expand it.
Me: wut?
Wikipedia: [lifts eyebrows suggestively]
none of this bullshit would've happened on myspace
how do you go about getting one of those humiliation fetishes? because i'm humiliated 24/7 and i'm ready to feel turned on about it
Damn girl are you a price tag on the bottom of a coffee mug? Cause I can't seem to get you off
I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.
Trump doesn’t like the pope because he heard he was an opus DEI hire.
me: ever heard of quasimodo? hemingway? pavlov? donne?
wife: please don’t
me: they don’t ring any bells?
wife: my mother was right
Much better than bullshit, freaky shit, sneaky shit, dog shit, fuck this shit and I can’t take this shit any more
My second favorite is sexy shit
My favorite kind of shit is funny shit.
tried playing pickleball but like the pickle didn’t even bounce and now I reek of dill and vinegar
As a life coach, the thing I tell my clients over and over: you’re not getting your money back.
Today’s band name:
Masters of Buoyancy
or
The Floating Hug Brigade
My sex life is like a Toyota commercial. 72 months no interest.
I want to be a cicada so people will be like, “well, yeah, he’s supposed to scream like that.”
So much to do and no intention of doing it.
There's no blood on my hands
I have people take care of that for me
There’s no blood on my hands and no you may not check out my feet you sicko