I haven't played wow for a week 😭

Didn't take antihistamines in the morning - can't focus whole day, just mindlessly scrolling 🫠 Coincidence for sure 🫠

And now I genuinely don't understand it anymore. Ok you sleep 4h a day, your body will not thank you for that in the future, it will protest, it will stop working for you, and when it hits you, you will absolutely not like it bro trust me. Am I finally cured of the toxic workaholic mindset?🥹

I'm reading some people bragging they sleep 4 hours a day and working the rest of it, and I'm like.. why tho?
I missed drawing 10h/day for years, I just remembered that time as insane productivity = HUGE self-worth feeling. But now in therapy I'm learning I am worth it even when I'm not productive

Yay ☺️

pencils

per p - per pencil
green - the cheapest per p
yellow - cheapest single pencil you can buy across most popular shops
If you find somewhere cheaper please share, thanks🤓
docs.google.com/spreadsheets...

If you're in the UK and looking for colored pencils, look no further!😵‍💫
I spent whole weekend and made a spreadsheet I will link below.
I ended up buying some cheap used Prismacolors on ebay + a few colors from Derwent and Caran D'ache to try, +Derwent Inktense on cassart online

£135 for everything 😭😭😭 Bruh I really do hope I will like drawing with pencils!😩

I got some used Prismacolors from eBay 👀 it's a 72 colors set, but some of them are half way used a few are like 1/3 left. I think it was a good deal tho :3

I spent whole weekend trying to choose colored pencils and stuff 🫠 I have a whole spreadsheet now 😤
But.. I don't have any more fuel to choose paper 🥲 so imma just throw a bunch in the basket and gonna cry at the checkout

One of the reasons to procrastinate can be the "wow I did so good, I'm like a superman, I can do so much in such a short time" feeling you get in the end 🫠 Like it's the only way to get the "you did good" and a pat on your head from yourself

Omg I can't stop thinking of it 😭 pencilllslszzzzz, I need, I crave q_q I just got above the "bottom line" I set in my bank acc 😭 bruhhh

But at least it's connected to my..uhh..career?
I wanna dive into traditional mediums qwq

Aaa!

Marshmallow flowers obsession is over. New obsession - prof colored pencils and watercolor pencils 😩 I'm just trying to debate buying this stuff for like £150 (with paper and all), but I know this battle is lost 🥹 it's just a matter of time now, when I'm gonna buy it qwq

Feels like bsky is down a lot lately q_q

Taking away this "gotta draw fanarts for success" is quite liberating. It makes me enjoying drawing stuff again. Too many restrictions, too many walls around me. Fuck all that, fuck the trends, fuck going viral, fuck likes and views and impressions and all this bullshit 😤 F U C K I T

So bit by bit I'm trying to find myself again. This is why I made this acc as well, to just let it all out, without a pressure of "I'm an artist and I only gotta post pics, who needs opinions". Because when I follow an artist and they start yapping lots, I'm out 🫠

No fanarts - no big Patreons, no lots of comm requests, no views, no nothing.
And I just CAN'T bring myself up to draw something I don't give a shit about, I can't! I can't follow every new trend, it feels so empty, it is emptying. Like it's taking me, chewing me, and spitting me onto the ground

And that I don't even care it's porn, because it's so well executed I just want to look at it for hours because it's so amazing and well done.
But over the years it all faded. And nsfw art became a grind. I don't know if it's jst my bubble, but it feels like if you're not doing fanarts you can't win

I think this is why I got tired of nsfw, I completely lost my vision, why I even started nsfw in the first place. I wanted to take this amazing skillful artistry and put it into nsfw. I remember seeing Calm's pictures long ago and thinking damn that's the highest quality porn I've ever seen

Damn, so I went full nsfw for 3 years now? And I only followed nsfw artists on that acc. I thought I was gonna switch between that and sfw and keep up with what's going on in the industry. I did not 🫠 And now I'm looking at all these artists I used to like, and they're so cool and inspiring!qwq

Watching Dave Rapoza videos to heal my soul ❤️‍🩹

I watched Project Hail Mary yesterday and it was 10/10 🥰
I didn't expect anything and I got everything :3 I don't get why people want to be mad about it, it's just wholesome

So this is brain fog? Just a constant bbbzzzzzzz in my head and a feeling like I'm trying to walk in a swamp? I was just chewing the same thoughts over and over and then it just stopped?👀
We'll see how I'm gonna work today %)
Also maybe I'm just imagining it all hehe 🥲

Omg 😳 So I read today that antihistamines help with ADHD brain fog, and I was like what is even brain fog. I'm undiagnosed still (I can fill that form to go to go 😭). But anyway, I'm like let's just try and see. I took it before food, and I'm just having my breakfast and then 😯

Ok I really need to finish the commission and start the HC art like..this week..next week for sure?🫠

I couldn't work today, pole was hard too, but by the end of it I looked in the mirror and it looked like I am back to my old self 🥹❤️‍🩹 I haven't been my old self since 2012 or something

Thinking of it, that was how I lost a friend I thought was my bff, one time I said "I don't like it", she made a scene instead of talking about it. And told me I'm replacing my personality with Instagram texts 🙃 I was in a group therapy and learning some self value and respect lol

"So you'd rather hurt yourself than say you just don't like something" 🥲

And only the closest people get my "I don't like this" q_q It is safe with them and it's not with everyone else.