bringing grandma’s casserole to a gun fight because maybe all this melted cheese and crispy crumb topping will get everyone to chill out

I'm more an Earth Night kind of girl

I think word is getting around the raccoon community that I’m the best marshmallow dealer

My love is yours if you're willing to take it

Purty sky tonight. I haven't done a purty sky pic in a while. So here's a purty sky.

Matt Damon playing a 14th century French knight that looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Mullet. Beard. Smells like horse shit, pine tar, and cigarette smoke.

Matt Damon while playing Odysseus who also looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Long, skinny beard. Smells like horseshit, pine tar, and perhaps Mediterranean herbs.

Matt Damon playing a 19th century cowboy that looks like a third baseman for the Phillies. Mustache. Shaggy hair. Smells like horse shit, pine tar, and definitely chewing tobacco.

Every time Matt Damon takes on a period role he ends up looking like a third baseman for the Phillies.

I fuck up too much. Someone reboot me please

*wears giant headphones all day connected to bluetooth even though nothing is playing*

The last time the snow stayed this late into the year, I ended up falling in love with a backwoods Appalachian witch. That was a weird year

Some connections stay in your heart long after they’re gone

I date people who are messy because dumpster fires are hot

hey siri what are their intentions with me???

The amount of gummy sharks I've eaten has turned my tongue blue!!

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile.

why is there snow on the ground why do they do this to me!!! i was just starting to get happy again

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

I'm not a serial killer. I can stop any time I want to

first date idea: you come over and take the trash out for me bc im sleepy

A brown bunny sits outside on green grass, its mouth open wide as if mid-yawn.

“Feud with the Pope” is BACK as a likely Wikipedia section heading after a 400-year gap.

ate a hard boiled egg too fast just to feel something

One of my biggest fears is driving down the highway with an unsecured load. That’s not even a metaphor.

Fired up the old Nintendo and got into Dr Mario. And I gotta say, Fuck those germs

sorry I haven’t been online lately been trying to open this childproof cap

It’s such a crazy coincidence how the people in Hollywood advocating for use of AI are the ones who already have enough resources to exploit it for personal financial gain

Sorry, I have to leave before I kill someone

(cheerfully)

u ok babe? you've barely done any doomscrolling

“and now, for my next trick…”

*pulls one tissue from the box but two come out*