I’m making a movie about an elderly gentleman getting dentures and I’m going to call it

“No crunchy for old men”

Sorry I haven’t been on lately. I was busy trying to open a produce bag for my apples

Why was politics brought into this?

People: nice jeep, here’s a duck

Winter: nice smile, here’s seasonal depression

Convinced my ex to get bangs before we broke up so that I’d find someone new first.

Oh, you’re an old soul? Name 3 of your children who died of consumption

My reaction to citronella suggests that I may in fact be part mosquito

I only watch South Park for the american politics updates. it’s like the news but honest.

Sorry i’m late, my morning fart ritual ran long.

A child running from what I assume is responsibility

what i mean when i say ima "skedaddle"

When you see nine birds together that’s a flock 9.

Step 1: Watch all seasons of The Great British Sewing Bee
Step 2: Attempt to alter every garment in my wardrobe to make it custom fitted and special
Step 3: ?
Step 4: Wear barrel

Correction: there are no butterflies in my stomach- I hardly ever even nibble on butterflies

If you look at the shape of a vagina it makes sense that babies are born in the shape of a pancake”

-Flat Birthers

Show dominance by clapping as the plane takes off.

I love that courtroom sketches are still a thing. Leaves open the possibility that a smurf or two was there

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

I ordered a cheese plate for dessert last night, which speaks directly to my outstanding and honourable quality of character, IMO.

You can never stand backward on stairs.

It was probably a dog who invented the fact that they can’t eat raisins.

My boyfriend got kicked off the cyber truck waiting list for having sex.

Me: *makes a mental note*

Also me: *immediately forgets mental note*

Absolutely no one:

Cats: might I suggest the butthole-in-your-face pairing with breakfast this morning?

Sure filling my neighbours gas tank with water is bad

But dumping 75 bags of pancake mix into my neighbours pool is batter

I’m just like any other sleep deprived girl, I blink one eye at a time

New breakfast food …. Apocalyp-Tarts

Ozzy Unborn am I right?

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or are you just going to....WING IT?!?

Me: no…..dummy, I can't lawfully touch him it's...ILL- EAGLE

People often overlook the fact that gingerbread men live inside gingerbread houses that are effectively made of their own skin. Those sadistic mother fuckers sit at their dinner tables on gingerbread chairs, knowing their gingerbread friends likely died to build and furnish the place. It’s sick.

I’m living chip bag to chip bag.