REPORTER: You've been voted the Defensive Player of the Year

PLAYER: So you're saying everyone thinks I'm worthless on offense?

He's talking about my terrible opponents.
My political objectives are holy

What if an entire administration was run by the Fyre Festival people

[Wheel of Fortune]
_'D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I'd like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I'd like to...

Please listen carefully, as our options have changed.
If you like making your own choices, press 1.
If you believe free will is an illusion, press 1.

I'm not a big hoops knower but imho more teams should try to have a super-tall dude who's also good at the other aspects of basketball

The Garden of Earthly Delights (detail), by Hieronymus Bosch, 1480-1505, 📸 by @alexbrandon

Jesus: *changes water into wine*

Me:
*takes a sip*
*spits out indignantly*
Is this motherfucking merlot?

Oh no, my bank accounts have been looted and emptied! All because I trusted the wrong person (me)

As they age beyond infancy, humans lose the ability to wail and shriek expressively, and are forced instead to attempt to communicate using words.

Got thrown out of my CPR class because I kept trying to use an IED instead of an AED

I have decided not to get out of bed until I have a grandson who can win me a golden ticket.

i am very sorry that i left out two letters of the alphabet. i have no XQs

guy commissioning a bust of himself: how will you determine the shipping charges
me: weigh a head of you

3 panels. First panel, photo of Calvin Klein, caption: Calvin Klein Second panel, photo of CK at an angle, caption: Calv Incline Third panel, line drawing of CK, caption: Calv Ink Line

...is to put the current version of ourselves in the story, to contemplate the evolution of how we understand liberation as we (hopefully) grow older, and to appreciate our changing role in the celebration through the years.

When we say "in every generation one should see oneself as having left Egypt" we should maybe hear not only a statement about history but about our lives.
The Exodus as lived by a child is different that by a grandparent. One of the ways to renew the holiday...

lmao

Hey for this MLB game on Netflix tonight does anyone know if they're dropping all nine innings at once, or releasing them one at a time?

meta being called meta is so incredible. it’d be like if microsoft was called zune or nasa was called challenger

[bar fight]
ME: You don't know who you're dealing with!

THEM: Oh yeah? Who?

ME: Fuck, I was hoping you could tell me

that’s wild; reminds me of when i went to a pool & there was water in it

I feel like both OpenAI and the White House seem to be operating under the delusion that they are such hot shit that counterparties will grit their teeth and keep coming back to the table.
Wonder how that'll work out for them

Few things are as magical as the crack of the bat, but then again I've always had a thing for the butts of flying mammals.

It’s simple: anytime someone starts a post with “it’s simple” you can ignore what the rest of it says

A haiku is more
than just an exercise in
counting syllables

don't know why but i hate when a monday email starts with "hope you enjoyed your weekend". if i had a miserable weekend that's my business

Jeopardy host: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet

Other contestants: *trying to ring in*

Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

The one thing you should always have in your bathroom, according to a Very Wise realtor hmmmm perhaps it’s a toilet 🤔 idk

is it a toilet, it’s a toilet isn’t it

Finance Tip: Have more money