Me in the tub on day 2 of my period. Total blood bath.

I get so much anxiety about going to see a doctor. Maybe I should see a doctor about that.

The older I get, the more I understand why Fonzie's office was the bathroom.

wish they made thought-cancelling headphones

Kash Patel filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit against The Atlantic for reporting on his drinking. When asked why such a high number, he said, "I owe a lot of bartenders a lot of money."

I keep reading "free child care" as "child-free care," and you know what, either way I support it.

Normalize telling people you're cancelling because you're on your period.

How am I supposed to be able to tell when a video is AI? I'm still trying to figure out what is and isn't cake. I feel like a kid who can't read who just keeps getting passed on to the next grade.

Women comedians don't talk about sex nearly as much as men in the comments of women comedians talk about women comedians talking about sex.

Girrrrl, are you an astronaut, because WOMEN GO TO THE MOON NOW

Just overheard someone say, "I don't mind stand-up in person as much as I do online." I desperately want to be her friend.

I'm flying back to Kentucky tonight

Dating: I want to know everything about you

Married: I finally figured out the right combination of fiber and water, so if you wanna have sex later, lemme know.

Can Artemis II retake that photo of the Earth? I think my eyes were closed in it.

It's very hacky that Netflix is trying to force Louis CK back on us. Like isn't that his bit?

Tickets available at punchup.live/arielelias

Happy Easter from a slightly confused and jealous outsider

ALT: that's gotta be the first time he's been able to do that with a woman her age.

Apparently Pam Bondi begged to keep her job, but Donald Trump held firm, and that's gotta be the first time he's been able to do that without a blue pill.

Happy day 2 of Passover to all who forgot and already accidentally ate bread

We're at a point where launching a rocketship to the moon is less dramatic than what you have to endure to get through TSA.

I'm not trying to kink shame Bryon Noem. I just truly don't understand how someone could be into something so disgusting as Kristi Noem.

For some of us, the search for the afikomen started at the grocery store

This whole time Kristi Noem's husband was living a double (d) life.

Listening to Hurricane by Bob Dylan and realizing they just don't make songs that are basically entire episodes of Law & Order anymore

You can tell the photos from the Kash Patel email hack are real because there is not a single other person with him in any of them.

I just can't believe that a man who takes a hammer to his own face would commit assault.

I'm a little late on the Chappell Roan discourse, but I just want to add that with all the Epstein files stuff, it's nice to hear about a celebrity who actually turned away an 11 year-old girl.

Guys, we are now officially the first people to ever actually look at Kash Patel’s vacation photos.

A statue of Christopher Columbus was installed on White House grounds. It’s just nice to see Trump honoring a dead rapist instead of being friends with one.