I find I can only tolerate listening to my dentist's podcast if there's a couple fingers in my mouth

If a smile is cracked and there is nobody around to see it, does it still spread joy?

Yes

A Sloan sink faucet, a Kimberly Clarke soap dispenser, and a Dyson Airblade hand dryer? Yep, going to the movies is back.

I haven't had a new uncle in 15+ years. This has been hell

Me before da movie "One Battle After Another" and then me after da movie OBAA (One Battle After Another")

all "trumpers" are a little lost if you ask me....

Wiping my ass on the toilet paper roll like a bear rubbing his back on a tree

Eating diarrhea-like foods to trick my body to stop making diarrhea

Wearing my Got Poop? shirt into the bathroom so the guys in there know I'm serious

Just reaching out to see if you have a beautiful wife or not

My car is probably so happy when I don't get into accidents

Hey man the department store called and they said they're all out of you

I wish there were an electric chair big enough for that purple fucking dinosaur

It's a really nice day out if you know where to look

Husband to 1
Father to 3
Boss to 2 (both named Michael)

Good place to study

There's not such thing as a bad crumb. Scientists have never been able to find one

I can already feel my mind expanding

Something to take the edge off

A federal judge just blocked me from peeing every time I poop and ordered me to poop every time I pee

Do you guys like this one

The toilet is my therapy. The bidet is my Prozac. The back of shampoo bottles are my self-help books

At the backyard BBQ begging the kids to throw a water balloon at my crotch because I’m about to piss my pants

Jet's has no idea about to call them to order a pizza. They're in for such a treat

*trying to convince my friend McDonald to come out to dinner with me* come on man, I've got some dinner with your name on it

Guess where I am

yeah I'm addicted to soda....soda pants to my body so I don't have to wear a belt anymore

Is this really what she's up to

I feel bad for my toilet when I'm at work all day

Getting my diaper changed for personal reasons