"Dick And Jane - We Play" children's book cover

The existence of Jainism implies the existence of Dickism

Kaiju (but make it a haiku)

I have an idea
We ask the faeries for help
It’s moth time, baby

Psst... Guys... Guys... We're just appetizers. Smoke em if you got em.

The door to heaven creaks but no one knows
What good is a door to a place nobody goes?

Chinese android... Or Chandroid?

As my scout leader always used to say, leave it better than you found it. Good dog!

One more unsolicited truth bomb and her nose will disappear completely. She's the anti Pinocchio.

Cake

Cop walks by a guy lighting up a crack pipe in a back alley. "All right, dude, I'ma have to take you in." Drug smoker says, "You can't stop me practicing my religion! I'm freebasin'!"

Cop walks by a guy in a back alley using another guy as a urinal. "All right, guys, I'ma have to take you in." The drinker angrily says, "You can't stop me practicing my religion! I'm a freebasin!"

A nomadic pneumatic.

They’ve been holding these charity events for 40 years and yet they still haven’t found a cure for wrestlemania. I’m starting to think the whole thing is a scam

Party at the Esso! High five!

And lo, did Jesus take the loaf and fish and trade it for a bounty of philistine foreskins to feed the multitudes. Breaded and fried, with tzaziki, they are indistinguishable from calamari. The multitudes did eat them, assuming it was calamari, and rejoiced, for Jesus did not want to yuck their yum.

Roger Waters invented cauliflower rice? That tracks.

Actually, I checked his Wikipedia page and he invented it while writing the song, "Happiness is a Sign of Sociopathy" which never got recorded because he couldn't quite work out the chorus.

The intermediate training includes how not to eat paper.

(fakes a sneeze that sounds suspiciously like "Brexit")

Lowbrow Overbite, Esq: "Britain would be so great if it weren't for two things: the f'n immigrants, and the British."

That's how teh peoples do teh learnding, as a wize man once telled me

(Worm falls into hot teacup) Aaah! I have wormed my last. I bid you... adieu. Tell Laura I love her (glug glug)

Searching for 'nakt dunes'

Did you mean 'naked dudes'?

I had a revelation over a stream tray full of cabbage rolls: the farts are already in there. It is up to me to reify them with a birthing toot into the world.

Pope Chewy is nuts

From EARTHSEED: THE BOOKS OF THE LIVING Choose your leaders with wisdom and forethought. To be led by a coward is to be controlled by all that the coward fears. To be led by a fool is to be led by the opportunists who control the fool. To be led by a thief is to offer up your most precious treasures to be stolen. To be led by a liar is to ask to be told lies. To be led by a tyrant is to sell yourself and those you love into slavery.

Octavia E. Butler, 1998:

+alt

keep in mind when Republicans cut public good programs like this it's the budgetary equivalent of trimming fingernails to lose weight, it's purely ideological because in general smart people don't vote for them, meanwhile we have infinite tax money to spend on doing war crimes openly on a whim

Evaluating the entire value of a bulk of a broadly held commodity at the value of the last trade is at best silly, and at worst delusional. The best justification for doing so is, "how else would we deal with it?" I'm not sure how, but there must be a reasonable answer.

Funny name for a bakery: Tart Surgery

Now he's just Andrew Mingebaton.

Two pictures of the pillsbury dough boy: once is on a purple background with the caption “he is risen! happy Easter!”, and the other is tan and brown, similar to a cracker, on a white background saying “he is not! Happy Passover!”

It’s time to post one of my favorite memes of the year.

Or so Chagabbadabbada tells me