Rooster took the truck to the Ford dealership who told him they don't work on Fords that are over ten years old.

Built Ford Tough my ass.

boobs. breasts, even

join me in this shallow grave by the river, we can lovingly gaze until the crows pick our eyes out

You look fantastic, Emcee! You're going to do great. 🫶🏽

Hear me out, a drive-thru sperm bank called 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘎𝘰.

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time.

That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

That song is a constant on a lot of playlists I've made over the years...

if prodigy’s firestarter doesn’t play on a loop in your head as you read the news you aren’t like me

I saw four goth kids were sitting outside against the brick wall of a CVS yesterday like they were waiting for The Cure

This day in history. 2015. National Tea Day in the United Kingdom. Dreadful stuff, tea. Poisons the insides and breaks the spirit. My uncle Petey gave up whisky and switched to tea and never pulled a quarter out of my ear again.

my biggest weakness is caring too much about other's fries

OOPS: ALL COWBELLᵀᴵᴺᵏ ᵀᴵᴺᵏ ᵀᴵᴺᵏ

I’m a hard working lazy person.

Maple syrup is derived from the sap of maple trees but the Maple Usurper shall rise in the North as foretold by the prophecy

we obviously can't all wang chung simultaneously

One day, I'm gonna fall in with the "right crowd". And, gawd, I'm gonna be cross.

got an ankle tattoo at 17 and made sure it was high enough so you could see it when I was wearing my high top converse and that was the last time I thought about my fashion sense I think

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

🫂

I’m more quiet riot than rebel yell

I told my boss I was late because of all of you.
Expect a phone call.

The Cure makes me think of either old girlfriends or hair product. There is no in-between

Another post deleted because people would hate it. This one should go too.

compare dumpster fires and chill?

no fucking way a goat made this cheese. bro, this is fire

[after a blunt]

Friend: we should raise the dead

Me: bro im having a tough enough time raising a teenager

Me: so what kind of guy are you looking for?

Date: someone who’s big, strong, healthy and has a green thumb

Me: you just described the jolly green giant

Two random facts about my parrot called John
He likes to eat oatmeal and he witnessed a murder

i think i want to be a decommissioned lighthouse when i grow up

That's the last time I'll open the fridge door without knocking . . . it's scary in there.