Waiting patiently when ones partner takes off your fishnets because now she's sat at the foot of the bed untangling them with all the focus of 2 adderalls and a box of tangled Christmas lights

Oh shit im Not following you yet?? Gotta fix that

save me umeboshi onigiri, save me plum jelly donut

At an intimate concert in a little indie housewares and tchotchkes shop. With the occasional whoosh of the streetcar acting as percussion, this feels like Toronto condensed in a moment

Ah no I should be clear, if you select private cremation for your pet it comes with free urn options. I selected a nice little blue urn. But in the menu, it allows you to select EXTRA items which are so outlandishly priced it makes me wonder who's buying them

In the wake of the pain of peppercorn passing suddenly, I can't help but laugh at the audacity of pet urn pricing. I saw them give me an option of an engraved ROCK (like from the ground) for three hundred dollars. Idk if it's on purpose or not but it sure as hell shakes you out of the sobbing

did gym incorrectly. back ouchy. no idea how i achieved this considering i stretch before workout and mainly use the rowing machine

why do owls always like they're mewing? I'm out here getting mogged by a great horned here

when i become mayor your penis will not dissappear inside of your balls whenever you sit down . That will not happen anymore

girl at the weed shop almost forgot to card me because we were having a wholeass convo about the "back in my day..." beverages that clocked me at a minimum of thirty

man tumblr's bonkers some days. i woke up to find that a post i'd made about pranking your mutuals by sticking the PLU stickers on fruit to their shirts got too big and someone's in the reblogs telling me to put bullets in my terf brain. like. ??????????? where are you getting literally any of this

Extremely Canadian date moment: sports bar, pwhl on the tv, molsons Canadian in hand and the stereo is blasting Alanis Morissette

moving into a high rise where fog is more common out your windows than not REALLY increases the instances of flashbacks to the comes fucks me video

nothin' like helping your 71 year old mother with translations at a periodontal appointment to make you care WAY more about your own day to day dental hygiene

Just woke up from a dream that demanded if I ever get published for anything big (novel, etc) my pen name is Hobia Verss (hoe, be a verse/vers)

Not now kitten, daddy is wrestling a gigantic art rectangle through gale force winds

i gotta say the amount of anxiety i have over being too bossy (like this was a issue in my fucking grade school report cards) with my friends has lessened SEVERELY once i realized how bad most of my friends' decision fatigue is

ya do what ya must. if this ends with a boner reaction to the scent of laundry detergent I'm not claiming responsibility

at the point in my life where I'm clicker training someone to do better at managing their laundry

My new favourite turn of phrase is from this one tiktok where a guy in the backseat is like "what're we doin after this" but he's asking the question in the driveway at 3am, so my new fave phrase is the reply from the front seat: "highkey going to dreamland, go to SLEEP"

well they do do tandoori there so the oven is kinda always open, but i've been to places before that'll do tandoori that aren't sweltering in february.....

Dude you walk in the door and it's like a wall of temperature

i fear the day that my snon becomes too strong for me to wear him as a necklace. for now he squeezes and my airways are fine but i fear a day to come

Just saw a bumper sticker that said "don't tailgate me I have rabies" and I have never needed something more in my life.

my local little indian food spot is delicious, yes, but. but they keep their thermostat at 23 degrees celsius in winter?? this can't be cheap for the energy bill

according to Karoline von Greiner Pichler's 1843 memoirs the dude would sometimes get literal zoomies, jump around, and meow like a cat. it's thought that she took these lessons in the 1770s, so i need you to imagine 20something mozart just. scramblin.

you ever think about catboy wolfgang amadeus mozart

Man math exam nightmare, haven't had one of those in a hot minute

my mental health's loadbearing coconut is occasionally splurging on boil bag of crab legs and spicy sauce and ripping and tearing til i'm a dead ringer for a documentary shot on a hyena post-meal

ourrhgh... borngr