What people don’t realize is that you don’t HAVE to watch that thing, you can just read.

*Me laying down clutching my ribs after coughing wrong in a binder*

"I used to run marathons, you know."

*blows nose in privatized healthcare*

At least not my cats apparently.

Happy Solstice to all those who believe the Earth has an axis.

Can't believe everyone's getting into Luigi Mangione now of all times. Mate I played it twenty years ago. I'm on Luigi Mangione 3 now catch up

Anybody with me?

There are two wolves inside of you. One has lower back pain. The other has a 10 hour shift.

Me: Here's your pizza sir.

*slams cardboard box filled with liquid butter substitute on the counter*

Him: This isn't what I ordered.

Me: Trust me, it's close enough.

There’s no such thing as “too many books”—only not enough shelves, not enough time, and not enough space for the dream library with a sliding ladder. But let’s be honest… we’ll keep buying books anyway.

The reason I know I'm not a good cook is because I consistently put my vape away like it belongs in the spice cabinet.

Never thought I would have to explain to my cat that stealing mail is a federal crime.

NANCY BY ERNIE Bushmiller DON'T YOU FEEL SORRY FOR POOR HOMELESS CATS YES, IT'S VERY SAD THE POOR LI'L THINGS HAVE A HARD LIFE YES---SOMEONE SHOULD BUILD А НОМЕ FOR THEM I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT SIGN IN THE BACK YARD- NANCY'S HOME FOR STRAY CATS

The Best Of Nancy By Ernie Bushmiller, February 18,1964

Having a hard time reading the last few pages of this book about the end of the world

For some reason

Books are a total scam.
Every single word is already in the dictionary—they’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Can we make the next 4 years a speed run?

You don’t have “too many books.” You have a perfectly curated library.

Nobody is more proud than a cat who believes they've stealthily absconded with a piece of plastic.

a fun byproduct of being an audiobook person is sometimes the book is so good it tricks me into doing chores so i can keep listening

Comic by War and Peas. Panel 1: Two green aliens are at a press conference, sitting behind microphones. One alien happily says, "Jesus? We love that guy!" Panel 2: A human reporter with a microphone looks surprised and says, "We’ve been waiting centuries for his second coming." Panel 3: The first alien casually responds, "Really? He comes to us every year." The second alien adds, "We invited him for cookies. What did you do?" The reporter starts to sweat. Panel 4: Both aliens pause, looking inquisitive. One alien asks, "Wait. What did you do?" All reporters sweat.

Explain this, humankind

On a scale of 1 to linguistics, how aspirated would you say your consonants are when pronouncing Kia Sportage? #welcometonightvale

😳

New Headcanon: Freud was gay. Repressing his homosexuality with heterosexual repression. A repreception, if you will. I am not taking questions at this time.