Cheap trick but I respect it.

I dunno but personally I'd be embarrassed if I were you.

Yo we don't joke about the JD round these parts, hush that.

I'm in the new Happy Gilmore in case any of you wanna brag that you're buddies with a rising star in showbiz.

My old man, who's been moshing in the great pit in the sky for the last decade, must be stoked that Ozzy is finally headlining.

Went for a walk and then stopped into a bar for three beers. A walk and three beers cures all that ails me. I cannot muster a shred of existential dread in the wake of a walk and three beers.

Absolutely devastating day. Went to get my beloved chicken salad sandwich from 7-11 (it's good fuck you) only to discover it now has a sticker that says "New AND Improved" and of course it was not improved. It's so much worse. What's happening to this nation? This is the last straw.

I'm in a book club by the way

He's in a condo, might have issues with his HOA

My buddy is an engineer and actually kinda helped send Katy Perry to space the first time so I think I can play a role in this

Panko is how it starts. Eventually, I fried some chicken breast in crumbled pork rinds and decided that I had flown too close to the sun.

Today's book club dish prepared because of this line on page one of A SHORT WALK THROUGH A WIDE WORLD.

(I couldn't find prawns so it's just shrimp. And it's not soybean paper, I got what I could get. Fuck you, it's close enough. Also, for anyone wondering, the book was aight I guess.)

Earth may be trapped inside a giant void in space, say scientists | BBC Science Focus Magazine Earth and the Milky Way could be floating in a billion lightyear wide void – a discovery that could help decipher one of the biggest mysteries in cosmology

Ok so we smell.

www.sciencefocus.com/news/earth-t...

Also just realized I rhymed set and set. I blame the hour.

"Oh, nah, not feelin this one, I think I'll ski—" (immediately is dragged into the depths of Abaddon by scorching claws)

This is my fear.

This was a little hard cuz I have no idea what the fuck this guy is talking about.

One thing being a landscaper has taught me is that perhaps the male loneliness epidemic is real, even if my particular group of buddies has managed to avoid it. Multiple times a day, a neighbor (not even a customer) will come out to offer me a water and beer & just wanna talk for like 10-15 minutes.

Also, and idk precisely how, this is an accurate representation of how I feel about these United States of America this Independence Day.

Happy Fourth. This is what being a landscaper is like when you have to set up a customer's bbq

NJ remains the leader in the "over everybody else's shit" clubhouse.

It's 100 fucking degrees and my fucking employee called out so I'm doing 15 fucking lawns by myself so if anybody has a pool and or a cold fucking beer let me know I will be by in a bit.

I stopped using Twitter but I hadn't actually deactivated my account. At some point I should do that but before I do I want to make sure, for posterity's sake, to preserve my favorite dumb bit that nobody liked.

Dude swore to me he inspected the whole lawn to make sure there was nothing there. I immediately sucked up a ratchet strap that was laying in the grass. Had to climb under my mower and cut that shit out with a razor knife. This one's on me. I knew.

Dude from a construction crew approached while I was finishin my last lawn of the day. "Can ya cut the house across the street we're workin on? It's real high." I look at it. 2 feet high. "Yea, when I'm done here. Just make sure there's no tools & shit in the lawn." You can guess what happens next.

Two receipts for a combined $765.64.

Fuuuuck I shoulda just bounced.

Dropped off both my zero turns for new blades, oil changes, air filters, and spark plugs (plus one needed the deck re-leveled). Currently sitting outside the shop debating whether to go in and discover what I owe for the bill or to just change my name, dye my hair, and abscond.

(Respectfully) we haven't "spoken" fuckall. We can make this shit look as unpopular as we'd like but it's not slowing and we are absolutely fucked until actual heads start to roll*

*figuratively**

**hahahaha

It's how I'd like to be remembered.

This is the funniest possible response I'm fuckin dying.

I don't even have notifications for texts. It's a better life.