No I’m quite certain it’s “Johnny cum late, Lee.” Go ahead google it.

Weird how boobs get underwires but balls don’t. They both suffer from gravity’s ravages no?

Wearing a sweater in April like some kind of prehistoric savage.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I forgot the word “tourniquet” so I called it a first aid scrunchie.

"I'm not upset," my wife said, digging a large rectangular hole in the backyard.

That’s nuts

Counting out twenty one almonds like a Babylonian tax collector

Nothing brings on nap time faster than watching a marathon. I work in inverse proportion to those who exert effort.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

I was the runner-up for Employee of the Month

I’m self-employed 😕

one day my children will bring my posts before a judge as the reason they are questioning my competence

I’ll take a fair weather friend if they come equipped with some fair weather.

I am so dumb, I thought Bone China was an American Pie sequel.

they want to save every fetus unless that fetus grows up to compete against their grand daughter in junior high girls volleyball

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?

ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Don’t worry folks, this cycle always ends well.

I asked my wife if we could try banal.

I would have been a great teacher if they still let you threaten kids with a stick.

In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea.

Sure I still delight in all manifestations of heavy metal, but truth be told, I’m increasingly partial to the Gilbert & Sullivan oeuvre these days.

Irony: Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best” is simply the worst.

Every dude would be a yoga fanatic if it paved a credible path to autofellatio.

I doubled the IQ in the room by leaving it.

Dear LORD

For those about to fold a fitted sheet, we salute you.

Hey guys, I wanted to announce I don’t have a podcast.

Why is Kid Rock?