finding a place in my heart for loving and understanding all people is something ive always aspired to and try for, i can only hope that it becomes a place and not a graveyard one day if i am better at it, more meaningful and sincere and open

sometimes i question whether i would be better without it, if i saw in clarity and fullness, but would i still be ‘rain’? i don’t know if i would be better or worse, sometimes i feel as if it is my awkward isolation, that foggy rain, that lets me be the person i am and want to be

in a way, this is part of what my name means - for things to be washed away, obscured by fog, only existing in a projected truth that sunlight would expose as shallow - and i forget it in time, yet the fog remains

in the rainy season, when the fog is high and the sun is strangled by clouds, it often feels like you exist in isolation - even when people pass by, you cannot see their expressions or affectations, all you can do is imagine yourself in their muddy shoes, maybe offer an umbrella or a laugh along

one thing ive been experiencing over the past day or so after hitting the point of 'it will all be okay' is i finally have the strength to both be angry and control that anger - its an unusual sensation, having weakened so much that i couldnt be angry anymore, and i feel stronger now, more alive

yeah it tastes like sprite squared

mollified of the stresses of the day by an oatmeal creampie and an 'original' (kinda limey?) ghost energy drink

thank you woomf (writer oomf)

thank you, it means a lot

thank you, i hope i do

addiction is funny because i am stressed out of my mind but i can confidently say something to eat and an energy drink would reset my collapse meter to 0 in minutes

thank you oomf

thank you, i appreciate it

the lawyer was too slow today, but all the arrangements are done - i just have to survive the weekend, we got all the details so most of the anxiety is gone

going to cook something tonight and just try and find my peace until then

very stressful day so far but things are looking very good, all i have left to await is a lawyers approval and the delivery of a check and then itll all be okay

ive always thought that the idea of completion or consistency as a person was elitist propaganda, that people are always renewed like spring's blossoms, and one whose life is borne of naught but capital will in the end die alone, never supported by peers or wisdom

one thing ive been thinking about and hope to convey in 'appalachiaslop' is the idea that people exist in a constant growth, like a vast forest - crooked in places from scars and tragedy, stunted from having their dignity taken, yet so beautiful, reaching up to the sun in yearning

thank you, i only hope that it is happy news - ive become so accustomed to rugpulls that i cant trust it until theres an absolutely zero percent chance of things going horribly wrong

if all things go well, i am excited to be able to write - no more days of living on half the calories a human needs to survive, no more existing in a fog unable to write or even complain because of how stressed i am, ill get a chance to be a normal person and not struggle just to get by

in roughly nine hours i might get life-fixing news and i feel like im either going to black out now and wake up to it or be unable to sleep no matter what i do, ive been just hanging on for years now and if it goes okay, ill be able to buy groceries and afford transportation and even luxuries again

its been almost a year since i graduated college and im still tormented by nightmares of not being able to graduate college or even highschool, of having forgotten a credit or failed a class i didnt realize, i think its my subconscious's way of telling me, 'you havent used your degree at all yet'

downloading books on permaculture for research, hoping to understand more about agriculture as a whole for the sake of writing a shorter story ive dubbed 'old country manor' involving an undead cannibal woman and the manor-owning dragon lady shes infatuated with

i am relieved that you found out what you've been dealing with, but that sounds horrible and i hope it doesn't consume your life, it sounds like you've been fighting a long time

as the first thaw weeps the end of winter, warm life’s breath of spring’s vast maw, will the cold fade again, next year, or is it the last time, which I fear? as the frogs croak and crickets chirp, a song passed down countless days, will they be born again, next year, or is it the last time, which‌ I fear? as the trees hang, half-born anew,‌ shaken alive by warm nights hue, will they awaken again, next year, or is it the last time, which‌ I fear?‌ when the flowers blossom bright, carried by rain and wind and love, will it be just another sight, to me or is it the last time, which‌ I‌ fear? let it me another forgotten time, lost amidst fugue and windchime, let my fears be hollow, lost anew, in next year’s flowery, spring view

i went out to check on my brothers dogs and saw the trees blooming beautifully, yet i couldnt help but feel a bit of fear

#poetry #rainspoetry

been thinking about what it means to befriend a wild animal - a creature you cant truly domesticate, who you can care for, feed, even let into your home, but who can never be the house pet your society is used to, a beast that can never stay collared long, who cannot be caged, a free soul

this sounds awesome !!

ive been depicting my dark/light dichotomy as chaos, variety, raw divinity, mystery vs order, precision, humanity, control - though light itself is that only because the sun in my setting is basically an artificial jesus stolen from being 'wild' by the first thief

nearly starving a few times has made me understand the gluttonous character trope because on days i can eat freely i am stuffing myself like crazy remembering nights like these and much worse, im the biggest eater when i have food and i totally relate to those characters