that awkward moment when you wake up from dreaming about work all night only to have to get up and go to work. like damn man, i just left that place

I told a teenager today I used to get 10 cassettes for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a cassette is, what a penny is, what the mail is...or all three.

After 50, you’re basically like an old phone battery.
You can get a full 8 hours of “charging” overnight, and somehow by 10am you’re already down to 50%.

My cat woke me up at 3am with duct tape stuck to his head. Must’ve been one hell of a catnip party.

😂😂😂

Long week eh?

Splashing pickle juice in the eyes of my enemies

I've been called a lot in my life but nothing is worse than being called on the phone.

Good Sunday morning to you.

Mom: you know you can only be a fuck up for so long

Me: was that a challenge?

Mom: no that wasn't a ch-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

I want fries 🍟

I’ll wash my mouth out with doughnut

Rolling over in bed used to be a simple adjustment.
Now it’s a coordinated movement with sound effects.

Happy Saturday night peeps.
Cheers 🍻

My patience is currently thinner than the cheap toilet paper they use in public restrooms.

I’m not equipped for this.

Me everyday.

Yes I’m still alive.

Being nice to people is exhausting

TGIF all you beautiful people.

Good morning heathens.

Shoutout to the person who invented the snooze alarm. May you rest in peace, for 5 more minutes.

I took my buddy’s board game.

He doesn’t have a Clue.

Good morning peeps.