i think the most important thing for me rn is grace towards my younger self and making real progress towards the things i actually want

and i need to try and be patient with myself about that. dont know how yet but

sooooooo its easy to beat myself up for not having already made more music, or pursued surgeries, or building connections. i spent most of my 20s just devoted to one person and that was a severe mistake that cost me a lot the most precious resource humans have access to

i think one of the reasons i have such high expectations for myself is that i wasted my 20s. and i know thats a common complaint but i transitioned at 23 and then proceeded to spend the next five years not doing what i knew i wanted to do

so i end up saying things and being way exaggerated in ways i dont actually believe bc im just following the spiral all the way down. its bad. its not good and im hurting people who care about me bc of it so we gotta be done. interrupt the spiral. actually practice regulating myself

im deac'ing here too bc i think one of the big problems is that not interrupting my emotional disregulation makes the spiral worse. when i can just post and post and post into the void i can just wallow in that mindset for a long time and make myself worse

i am fragile lately and i am definitely letting myself slip into emotional dysregulation really easily. i should not be letting ppl get to me this easily

im sorry for trusting the word of my friends

im still not over multiple people jumping down my throat bc i dared to say that ai was good at code in a reply to someone who told me that ai was good at code

people have forgotten how to talk to other people. people have forgotten how to be kind. i ended up failing to be kind today because i was repeatedly being attacked. i will try to do better next time

wow i got SO heated. not only did someone come onto my own post and try and tell me my new spiritual practice is complete bullshit and prejudiced, but also quoting one of my replies and chastising me for it as though it were a "take" instead of me just talking with a moot is like.

is it making progress if its making progress towards Epstein Guy

its been nineteen years since i realized i wanted a pussy i dont know how much more waiting i have left in me

fuck. i was having a nice day

i guess i have an internal belief that it'll never happen. that my life will never be stable enough, that insurance will fuck me over, that Some Thing will happen over and over again to get in the way and ill never have the body i should have

im so so happy for all the girls gettin their pussies this spring and i am in the process for it but it still doesnt feel real esp since im in the pipeline for the place that features an Epstein Guy so i do feel left out and its getting hard to swallow my jealousy

uhhhh is getting a big trans symbol tattoo right on my arm a good idea. do i want to mark myself that hard as a tranny whenever i wear short sleeves. is this a bad idea

maybe i was not meant to be this online. i need to keep trying to be offline as much as possible

talking to people 90% of the time is a chore that i just want to get thru. unless its in person !!! talking to people irl rocks !! talking to people thru a text medium is a fucking chore that i have to do in order to maintain connection with people i like

maybe one day i will stop viewing human socialization thru the lens of obligation. maybe one day it will stop feeling like that

it feels like even being a friendly acquaintance to someone is an obligation to them for me and thus i have to be incredibly careful about which obligations i have cuz i can only fulfill so many

just try to get in my pants so im extremely fucking wary of, frankly, anyone who wants to be my friend when they primarily know me from online

i do wish i was more eager to be friends with ppl, like some ppl have been posting abt, but i just am not. honestly if someone is too affectionate or wants to talk all the time esp early in even just a friendship i am hella put off, bc ive had so many ppl do that and put me on a pedestal or

it sucks so bad to watch a person you generally consider a friend start to repeat shit that is a direct attack on your friends and loved ones. even more so when a lot of those friends and loved ones are friends with said person too !!!

the move is over and i am still collapsing in slow motion im trying to hold up the people in my life who need it while i am ragged and beaten down i will because i must

maybe the utopia u find in the fleeting moments is enough

there will always be powerful men sending people to die in wars committing genocides. the organization of The People necessary to end this is impossible. im sorry but it cant be done. you can make small things better, you can impact local community, but the power structures will never change

what do u call it when ur not like suicidal or anything but u dont believe the world can ever change

im not gonna kms myself just crashing out dw bout me

i dont, im just having a low moment ill be okay. i fight on. theres too much music to make