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Geordi LaForge and Bender the Robot trade visors.

An eye for an eye, aye?

I'm joking, but this is one of those things a rightwinger would say unironically with a straight face.

I'm not transphobic. I'm just allergic to gender affirming hormones.

In a situation that's great for solving my grudges, it's become too expensive to have beef.

Are nudist's ghosts naked?

A round, fried hors d'oeuvre sits on a plate with a shocked expression. It is surrounded by others like it, except for an empty spot next to it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

People say your future self will thank you, but I'm still waiting for me to show up.

It's because I'm from the US, isn't it?

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Sake!

If you're going to make me sit through an intervention, someone better have brought beer.

Remember to spay or neuter your parents before sending them to live at the assisted living center.

Mars trip to use astronaut poo as radiation shield Is the Red Planet looking particularly brown today? The man and woman aboard the Inspiration Mars mission set to fly-by the Red Planet in 2018 will face cramped conditions, muscle atrophy and potentia...

www.newscientist.com/article/dn23...

So they have an idea for radiation shielding on spacecraft, and it's a load of shit.

I like exotic foods, and I know culinary art takes time, 100 years is a long time to wait for an egg.

We should collectively decide to start calling dollars dicks for short.

This is a billion dick idea.

Me: What have I told you about stealing?!?

Kid: *looking down shamefully* Don't get caught...

Mike Johnson's such a weasel that his favorite drink is pop.

You're crashing a wedding.

Are you sitting on the bride's side or the groom's side?

Put "DOA" on my headstone.

Seriously. The oceans have gotten so hot it's pretty much just seafood soup.

By make me an omelet, I didn't mean add milk and beat me.

*slides condom gently over the barrel of your assault rifle*

Same as bathrooms. Use the one that feels appropriate to you and damn everyone else.

They need to be taking DNA from marine life for cloning later.