What an absolute diva

I've also been dodging intrusive thoughts of the suicidal variety left and right. Like brain mice, please. I love you, brain mice. Stop reflexively wishing to off us.

Been feeling kind of useless lately. At least I got around to vacuuming. But I'm so stuck.

I have a game in ten minutes by the way. Which makes all of the above (the immense trouble I had not going back to sleep and the laptop thing) much more concerning tbh.

And now I'm having to reinstall my Mac OS because my usb hub threw a tantrum.

I've been sleeping so badly I went to run a futile errand (the supermarket that has the Caesar salads I like will be closed all next week, their fridges were empty at this point) and felt like I was almost drunk on the way there.

Dilemma.

There's something that upsets me a bit about taking a nap in normal clothes, getting up and almost immediately changing into pajamas for bed later. But I went outside and I love changing into pajamas when I come back from Outside. But also, it's too warm for full pjs and too cold for a night dress.

It is, yeah, but it's covered now. <3

Continue to sleep like shit, wake up early because cat and fall asleep right into nightmares. So tired. Got annoyed with my mom, that turned into sadness and numbness. Tried chugging Monster. Ended up canceling my game today because I just couldn't. We chatted in text, I'm… alive. 's the best I got.

OG 9-1-1's brand of NDE is way more my speed.

Caught up on that. Decided to finish 9-1-1 Lone Star, because I stopped mid s4 maybe two years ago? and I was in the mood for more 9-1-1, but holy shit is the tone different. It's always been more dramatic in a... less fun way, but this is just Bad Things Happen bingo.

Hard to say whether 9-1-1 Pick Your Poison would have made me cry if I weren't in this mood, but, probably. Now if the next episode would do me the decency of loading...

presumably the fact that I've been sleeping like crap because Ciri won't stop yowling (she's in heat, I can't do anything about it because of my sister) is part of it but usually I'd want to take a nap or something

why am I so sad. I'm not even tired or like tempted to lie down or anything. I'm just sad for no reason

A selfie of a white person with long brown hair (that I need to cut soon because it's boring long) and glasses, standing in a spot that makes the sunlight hit in a pretty pattern

Black and white selfie with my hair kind of in motion. I'm looking at the camera and smiling.

A THIRD selfie in a patch of sunlight.

That helped a bit. At least with temperature regulation. It's not warm enough to stay in a t-shirt at all times but it definitely was in direct sunlight.

On the other hand, knowing this might be useful if I ever want to zone the fuck out during something creative that isn't writing. Not quite the same as concentrating, but likely to have the same result.

For now, though, I am dragging myself outside to see the sun.

I guess never listening to background music during ttrpg sessions because of my auditory processing disorder was a good thing for another reason, too.

It's not necessarily the most unpleasant feeling, but it's very... weird. I do not feel present.

Had a string of nightmares this morning and felt like listening to music after I showered. Decided to try out leaving the music on once I got on my laptop. Have rediscovered why I don't do this, and actually have a word for it now (it's been years and years) -- it feels like I'm half disassociating.

I saw a few rosebuds too! Because my stupid walks for my stupid mental health are me seeking out the most sunshine possible and taking pictures of plants. 's what I do to entertain myself.

Two (2) whole times I even wished I had my Canon with me?? Seems like a good sign. Not sure of what, but a sign regardless.

I was gonna wait until a store I wanted to stop by opened to go for a walk, but then I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna take a very long walk, and I did just that. And when I got back around, that store was open. Good timing. Also 57 pictures not counting the ones I just deleted.

My mom got drunk yesterday and it didn't trigger my anxiety as such but I had such a hard time getting up this morning and I am still so tired.

I don't know how to explain to the people who pop up when creatives complain about "AI" to say there are legit uses for it just how much they sound like someone saying "Well actually fire is used to make bread" when people are talking about an organized arson ring burning down their fucking houses

I'm fucking around Skyhold looking for companions to kickstart quests and I was gonna head back to Dorian from Cullen but then turned around, thought "Cassandra's around here somewhere, right?" Jumped off the battlements and fell right in front of her. #dai

Definitely feeling the extra lorazepam. Laundry #1 is outside drying, laundry #2 is in the washer so my sister can't hog it to use as a hamper. I'm taking a nap.

pass out early due to the benzos. They're not very reliable anymore (I only take one a day and want to cut back again sometime when I feel stable enough) but they do often make me sleepy mid afternoon

Yeah, my sister pissed me off semi accidentally and I barely had the motivation to do my incredibly pressing laundry, let alone make coffee. Took two extra lorazepam and grabbed a thing of low alcohol cider. If it gets to my head I'm calling it a blip on the sobriety journey. If not, I will probably

My one bone to pick with the Finch app is that they have no desktop browser version. I guess I could maybe hook my wireless keyboard to it but it needs a usb port? I just hate typing on my phone but I love their reflection prompts. 😢