I want a man as reliable as Disney Parks’ annual price increases.

I’m running out of scrabble tiles and things are looking pretty grum

Oh, you’re a spiritual medium? Well I’m a secular 2XL.

The medical scheduler just asked me if my physical therapy for cervical disc herniation was for my neck or my “other” cervix, so I would say healthcare in the US is on par with everything else here.

The emperor’s new clothes are 20/30 mmHg compression socks.

You can stare, glare, even constantly try to compare me, but you can’t get near me (mostly because I’m too old for you lol)

And I’ll out pizza the god damned Hut if I have to, Los.

This was just a fun little recitation of some 90s rap lyrics, and now you’ve gone and made it weird. Thanks a lot, Burger King (parody).

Can’t handle people gettin’ grabbed in the biscuit, or what?

You should. You’re skinny. But it never stopped you from getting busy.

If we see a gun in act one, you’d better shoot me with it if the movie goes over 90 minutes.

Fat but not ticklish.

A conservative horror film where a patient escapes from a hospital and goes to a nearby town, but instead of murder he just makes people woke

Happy rotten jacaranda blossom season to all who celebrate.

Don’t forget to leave out cookies and milk for Obama tonight.

You tell the waiter you’ll have what I’m having, but it’s an existential crisis.

I’m a bombshell in the way that I’m shaped like a grenade.

“Freaky Like That” by Snow Wife. Dc: @Nico O’Connor TikTok video by Awkward

www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8rmFAr7/

He may have been sleepy, but at least we were able to sleep.

Does low hanging fruit count toward my ten servings a day?

Would a mistake on a breast exam be considered a mammogrammatical error?

I put the mid in mid forties.

You’re excited to show him your new bikini, I’m excited to show him my new CPAP mask. We are not the same.

Me: The jorts stay ON during sex

Her: Do you even know what sex is

Me: I do not

Performing Gotye at karaoke, but only so I can correct it to “Somebody WHO I Used to Know”.

Mixed martial arts implies the existence of mixed martial crafts.

Some people learn through trial and error. Me? Error and error. And error. And error.

Thank youuuuu. ❤️

Nicely done @keating.house.gov @billkeating.bsky.social in the Europe Subcommittee of the Committee on Foreign Affairs today.

The chairman was out of line. Shame on keith self.

www.instagram.com/reel/DHE3VgZ...

#USpol

I have a trans kid and this gave me the most hope I’ve had since Inauguration Day. @billkeating.bsky.social is a good dude.