The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume l "liked" a show just because I binge-watched 16 hours of it.

Nothing says you’re officially an old Millennial now more than texting your friend after a rave, "oh here's that soup recipe I was talking about."

My New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. Meh, I'll start it next week.

“New year, new me," must be a fun thing to say for those who commit identity theft. 🤣

Thinking of starting a gym named
"Resolutions" that runs for the 1st month of the new year, collects subscription fees, then converts to a bar named "Regrets" that will run the rest of the year.

My favorite Christmas carol is the one where they blame the weather for their social anxiety and just stay home.

Santa's Google search history:

cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elves for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is totally fair.

You laugh but Mrs. Claus was once an ambitious big city career girl in stiletto heels who went back to her home town for Christmas and fell in love with a bearded artisanal toymaker. 900 years later her life is a living hell.

Black Friday: because only in America, people trample over others for sales exactly one day after giving thanks for what we already have

Everyone's all "turkey makes you sleepy!" Yeah like it's not all the alcohol you drank to tolerate family. 😒

At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?  

Right now there is an Aunt buying all the ingredients for that dish she brings every Thanksgiving that everyone hates.

Legit just got my blood drawn by a phlebotomist in a vampire costume 🧛‍♀️

Instead of candy, I'm giving out constructive criticism for Halloween this year. 🎃

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

When medication says "do not operate heavy machinery" they're probably referring to cars, but my mind always goes to bulldozers.

Did we ever find out how the vampire's interview went? Did he get the job? 🧛

Can someone please build an Al that will call customer service on my behalf and deal with their Al until my problem is solved?

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart. 🧄

When someone tells me, "Great question." I never hear their answer because I'm too busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question.

Romaine lettuce hasn't been called back in a minute. I'm glad she finally got her life together. 🥬

At my funeral, I want someone to take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next. 💐 🪦

Someone new started at my job today that was born in 2007.

I have unread emails older than that! 😣

Do you ever drive for like a solid 15 minutes, thinking about something incredibly random and stupid, and then you're like, "Were any of those lights I passed green? And how did I even get here?"

Dear Unknown Caller,

I admire your persistence but I don't even answer the phone when it's someone I know. 

Me in my teens: This station is playing my jams!
Me in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams!
Me in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams!

One thing about me: I'm gonna screenshot restaurants, workout tips, outfits, cooking recipes, funny memes, and interesting articles "just in case I forget" and then never look at them again.

Even though I know it's an automated thing, it still stresses me out when I'm browsing a store website and I get a "message" from the customer service agent.

Today I completed a chore that I have been putting off for six months. It took 15 minutes. I will learn nothing from this.