How do you plea?
1) Guilty
2) Not Guilty
3) The DOW is 50,000

Republicans are self-fulfilling Reagan’s prophecy: We’re from the government and we’re here to help.
They have made that phrase truly terrifying.

Trump said that China will stop Canada from playing ice hockey but I think even a zombie apocalypse couldn’t do that. Canadian zombies wouldn’t even eat anybody, just happily play pond hockey, and if they accidentally ate some brains they’d say soory.

Deleting it changes nothing.
Blaming it on staff is weak.

In order to achieve maximum Republican hypocrisy, the ICE motto should be:
We’re with the government and we’re here to help.

Alex Pretti was one of the good guys with a gun that Republicans have always claimed they would be, and they murdered him for it.

They are already calling the murder victim “the suspect” as well.

Trump: Other countries need to stop depending on the United States.
PM Carney: OK, we will.
Trump: Wait, no, not like that!

The phone rings, in the middle of the night.
My father yells: Why can’t your boyfriend text, like a normal person?

Reason number 38 why I never wrote a hit song, for Cyndi Lauper.

Drinking vodka and thinkin’ bout that time The Barden Bellas performed an original song.

Strongmen who are abusive towards people who are powerless to fight back are weak men.
Re: Quiet, piggy

War is peace.
Ignorance is strength.
$8.99 for a loaf of bread is affordability.

Riverside Baptist Church Sign Spend your sunday here and the rest of the week beating off the devil with both hands

Um, phrasing!

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Love means never being allowed to say you’ve heard that thing she told you that you just told her.

Thoughts and prayers, and I’m off to the ball game, maybe they’ll even play YMCA.

Pharmaceutical companies vastly overestimate how much I operate heavy machinery.

No, the prairie dog was not performing Hamlet. He just really likes carrying around a skull.

This is nothing that an intermural softball league can’t fix

A polar bear lies on a snow bank, face in hand.

Everything that happened last night came back to Phillip all at once. He was now pretty sure he knew just exactly what he’d do for a Klondike Bar, and he really hoped there weren’t any pictures.

Noice! Fitting since I switched from beer to vodka since I wanna drink but don’t want the belly.

That feeling when: You’re recording nothing but vodka shots in the dinner section of your calorie tracking app.

I just did my most favorite thing ever, turn off my alarm for the week cause I’m on vacation!

There’s just something in the air today. It’s probably microplastics.

I noticed you didn’t RSVP to my dog’s baby shower.

Don't make your partner feel silly for sharing their interests or hobbies with you. Make them feel seen. Have them create a detailed spreadsheet of their current hyperfixation complete with photos, names, and known aliases for every Labubu known to man so that you may obsess together- as a team.

We’re all going to die because we can’t stop burning fossil fuels and putting dinosaur ghosts in the atmosphere where they taunt God for not including them in the Bible

Being peer‑pressured into laziness by my cats and I’m not fighting it.

Listening to Ozzy this wonderful Friday evening, which always makes me reminisce about my big sister Rachel. She died (fuck cancer) back in 2017, just 53 years old. Ozzy/Rachel memories are good memories though cause she got a badass stereo system in her teens (my tweens) and introduced me.