Hear me out, a drive-thru sperm bank called 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘎𝘰.

Alexa, show me the money.

fortune teller: you’re about to come into a great deal of money

me: well money does excite me

fortune teller: please leave

If I learned one thing in English class about non sequiturs, it’s that money doesn’t grow on trees.

sandal weather, time for my yearly toenail clipping

Not high or stoned but a secret third thing

Asking a rhetorical question on Bluesky is just a dare, right?

me: why does pulling off a teeny tiny bit of toilet paper stuck in your pubes hurt like a motherfucker

my psychiatrist: what

My antiperspirant is labeled ‘Anti White Marks’ and it really makes you wonder what kind of racist bullshit this Mark dude actually did.

@shitpostsintiaras.bsky.social 🙌😹

cat: *sees hardwood floor* that's a bed
cat: *sees laundry rack* that's a bed
cat: *sees stairs* that's a bed
cat: *sees my head* that's a bed
cat: *sees a cat bed* what the FUCK is that??

OWN YOUR PUNS. INTEND THEM.

“Remember your training” I admonish myself as I try something I never trained for.

just roll me up in a blanket, i'm a 420 sleepy burrito

Two squadrons of pelicans flew in formation over my backyard, and apparently this is who I am now, deeply moved by pelicans.

That's the last time I'll open the fridge door without knocking . . . it's scary in there.

Stoners in the mid west have hi hOpes

Deep tissue massage? No, thanks. I was thinking more of a caress than an assault.

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

One day, I'm gonna fall in with the "right crowd". And, gawd, I'm gonna be cross.

Sorry I can’t come in tomorrow, boss. I am not feeling too good*

*i fucked up my back doing dishes

Probably a bad idea to use Windex on these glassy-ass eyes.

When stillness feels more intense than screaming.

when no one is calling anymore you still have your pets and that is peace don’t you think

*sadly removing the elaborate crustacean costume I made out of papier-mâché* trad wife? I thought you said crab wife

I run a fan club. The fan club is for me, and I'm the only member.

It's a really toxic fandom though. We really hate that guy.

me: jesus said you have to forgive your debtors

bank manager: no

me: I’m calling the pope

😂😂

😂🙌

😳😂