We need a leftist Joe Rogan and a tiny LeBron James and a Jennifer Lopez who can sing in tune. PRONTO. These are the top priorities of the DNC and we’ll stop at nothing. You have your orders. Spare no expense.
You thought it was so “adorable” to buy a bunny for your kid for Easter, but now look at you. Carefully shaving a rabbit to leave at a fire station’s Safe Haven Abandoned Infant box.
Tom Cruise movies are so unrealistic. You never see him struggling to reach something on a high shelf.
I love going to barbecue restaurants. I'm not a connoisseur or anything I just like to say pulled pork.
If we’re going to have to endure smart glasses we should at least be able to use them to monitor men’s behaviour towards women
L ets
G et
B everyone
T o
Q watch
I death
A becomes
+ her
I know I look tired and stressed out but that’s just because I’m tired and stressed out
[me as a pilgrim]
mom: (outside bedroom door) you better not be in there eating the buckles off your hat and shoes
me: *mouthful of buckles*
Kids aren't the only ones who say the darndest things
I put the fun in defunct
im a leftie but i shoot pool right-handed i contain multitudes, what’s your fuckin’ problem
the only thing cooler than a person wearing a jean jacket is a jean jacket wearing a jean jacket
The Strait of Hormuz has been closed for so long it’s now the Strait of Spirit Halloween
I walk into a rough classroom of rural whites. They pay no attention until I turn my chair around backward and sit down. I reveal my mandolin and begin playing. “Go ahead,” I say “bluegrass your troubles at me.” It’s working. I am reaching them.
you can add -e to any word to class it up, farte, cocke, balle, cume, turde, it works on anything. the e stands for 'elegance'
Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood
12YO: "Gay neighborhood?"
15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender
Jimmy Buffett is what happens when a man fucks a coconut.
You don't owe the hamburger shit. It needs to learn to help itself.
My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.
kidz bop demon hunters
Curious that the brittle field of cuisine stopped developing with peanuts. No almond brittle, pecan brittle, garbanzo brittle, etc.
How come whenever I see a toxic male boomer doing some thinly veiled racist shit they are inevitably walking a dog that looks like the Hamburger Helper glove
Sent a stool sample in with my tax filing since they want to be all up in my shit
once i get my Nintendo power glove working again, it’s over for you bitches
they want to save every fetus unless that fetus grows up to compete against their grand daughter in junior high girls volleyball
WHO THE FUCK'S IDEA WAS IT TO LET THE HORSES PERFORM SURGERY AGAIN? THEY HAVE GOT HOOVES FOR HANDS. MAYBE MR. DUMPTY WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE IF WE'D HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR RATHER THAN FUCKING SEABISCUIT.
*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*
Didn’t this dude work for musk.
On Sundays, I go to Walmart, get a rotisserie chicken, crawl on top of the frozen section and eat it while I people watch…