I honestly have nothing intelligent to add today, so buttholes.

#BoycottHashtags

#hashtagssuckass

For the past ten years, I've woken up the same time every morning at How Am I Gonna Get Through This Fucking Day o’clock.

If i die trying to kick the mirror of a car parked in the bike lane that would be a beautiful death

Maybe it’s annoying hearing about everyone’s smoking habits but at least nobody you know is wearing a Charlie Chaplin mustache today.

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

if wienerschnitzel say pastrami is back then futurerami is forward

That’s gonna leave a question mark.

I didn't do meal prep yesterday.

I didn't clean the kitchen last night.

I woke up at 3:30am this morning.

All day, I dreaded having to clean and cook this evening.

Rooster cleaned the kitchen and made chili today and I almost wept with gratitude when I walked in the door.

#betterthanflowers

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

me: a waist of money means you need to tighten your belt

John Kenneth Galbraith: what

eating dry Cheerios and recalling when my toddlers would drop food on purpose and then smile when I picked it up. jerks!

And this week the PTO switch was checked and I now need a new clutch for the mower.

My karma for the battery issues.

i feel like the popularity of true crime podcasts is based in part on millennials in their formative years looking for carmen san diego

Our sales pitch today was a real dog and pony show. I mean, the dog was easy to handle but the pony shit all over the conference room.

“Remember your training” I admonish myself as I try something I never trained for.

I don’t care how healthy they are, Barbara, I cannot risk putting my hand in my purse and pulling out a handful of rotten banana again

I bet that couple from the Big Red commercial is still kissing.

Nothing compares to you, except coffee.

had a momentary lapse of madness one out of five stars do not recommend

Nobody told me these suspenders were going to give me cameltoe

my disappointment when she asked if i wanted some elevator action and the arcade didn’t have it

420 or thereabouts was my combined SAT score.

i meant to eat a handful of blueberries but i accidentally on purpose ate a sleeve of Oreos oopsy my bad 😬

they should make a vivid filter that I can wear

Cleveland outfielder Oscar Gamble. Also Cleveland outfielder Oscar Gamble’s awesome afro.

I never expected to be a multi-millionaire, but I would like to know what it's like not to order off the McValue menu.