I used to have an addiction to pantomime puns, but it’s behind me

Someone tell Morrissey to get to Primark

My daughter: Can I play you a song I like? It’s called ‘we will rock you’

Me: Yes, I’ll put it on

Daughter: it’s by a band calmed ‘Queen’. You probably haven’t heard of them.

I’m Facebook friends with a school mum who hates me

Meta: “wouldn’t it be a shame if you left your phone unlocked then accidentally lent on the right combination of buttons to post her status update about her dead uncle to your Facebook feed?”

Our annual Christmas clay modelling competition has commenced. Please vote for your favourite: A B C D

“This is Vixen. Don't worry, you're totally gonna like her cos she is "the sexy one".” - the other reindeers, probably

‘Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet’ is kind of a sick burn

Santa - but make it unsettling

Yeah - it felt so targeted as he had zero reason to swap there. And, I can’t explain this, but there was something about him (almost like a smell? But he didn’t exactly smell) that gave me a full-bodied scared feeling. Feels so weird + dramatic to say

Thank you to you + your wife. Thing is, I’m older now so couldn’t believe I was having to deal with creep vibes still like when I was in my 20s so didn’t even think!

Then I had to worry if he’d act aggressively or do something when I did just that 😭. I feel like I’m too old for this crap!

Thank you. For context, another man sat next to me on the train ride up and got zero creep vibes (and he was normal!) so something about him subconsciously freaked me out

Yeah - why would you choose to leave a more spacious seat to sit with a stranger?

Thank you! I just couldn’t work out why he was doing it and something about his odd, nervous, energy made me nope out

We don’t know he wasn’t mad Chris!!

There we other ‘better’ seats he could have chosen + other fully empty ones in our carriage alone.

Felt so creeped out that I moved to another carriage after 5 minutes (he gave me a weird feeling and felt boxed in).

Was I exaggerating here, or was that weird?!

90 mins into journey a man who had boarded at the same time as me + had been sitting directly in front of me (rows of x2 seats so I was facing his back the whole journey) with no one sat next to him, got up, moved my drink off of my ‘spare’ seat and sat down. We were 20mins between stations each way

I had a very terrible seat: aisle, facing backwards. When the person next to me was a no-show 20mins into journey, I moved to window.

So, both (terrible) seats technically reserved / have reserved signs, but my actual seat empty.

Women of Bsky: what would you have done on this situation?

Was on a 3hr train journey on a half-filled train. Every x2 seat had one person sat down & a spare seat next to them. Half the carriages were reserved / half free-for-all.

Woman sitting next to me on the train got out her phone and called ‘Chris (mad one)’ to come and pick her up from the station.

Sylvanian Families Wiki

My love language is looking up your name on the sylvanian families wiki to see which animal you are: sylvanianfamilies.fandom.com/wiki/Sylvani...

Actual photo of me on my work Christmas night out with my much younger colleagues

The mum friends you meet when your kids start school are next level.

Was at a party last night and one asked me if I wanted to go outside and howl at the moon

Father Christmas has come early! There’s a trampoline in my garden

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

Spotify Wrapped: but for parenting

“You’ve repeated yourself 8567 times this year 📣💥😭

Your kids are in the 0.9% of children who don’t fucking listen 👧👦👂”