saw this outside your mom’s house

saw this musical. did not care for it.

First jobs are so weird. One minute you’re in school and your friends are all your age and the next minute you’re best friends with a 68 year old man because you both hate the same guy at work.

the government wants me to create a baby with my husband? the man who eats sushi while driving?

A subscription channel for Timothy Olyphant fans called OnlyPhants

Ken from Barbie in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

fictional characters in the wrong movie: thread

am i being a bridezilla? i was planning my reception from my home in the ocean just off of Odo Island when i was interrupted by a nuclear disaster. now i'm rampaging through Japan and my bridesmaids are all really mad at me

Ordered a Sex on the Beach, but the bartender says they're out of ingredients and the best he could do is a Dry Handjob at the YMCA

Friends with kids: They’re crazy. I’m tired all the time. My husband and I haven’t had sex in 3 months. My son has 9 birthday parties to go to this weekend. My daughter has 47 book reports due tomorrow. Dashtyn drew a penis with markers on the wall.

Also friends with kids: Why don’t you have kids?

This seems like if twitter had a vasectomy.

Old macdonald's son: so what did my dad leave me?

Estate lawyer: [deep breath in]

You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal

Rear view of a Jeep Grand Wagoneer

I beg your pardon, I'm no mere "butt man", I'm a

*taps guy on shoulder at orgy*

Me: You gonna finish that?

*points to vagina*

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Fact is, bustin' DOESN'T make me feel good. Ghosts are sad confused creatures, cruelly tied to this plane by a powerful nexus of pain and fury. It gives me no pleasure to hunt them, shoot them with beams, and trap them in a box. I hope they find some peace in there. But TBH, no one really knows.

THE VALUE OF THE U.S. DOLLAR: [goes down]

DJ KHALED: STOP THAT

if a being that combines organic and biomechatronic body parts skips its antidepressants it becomes a sighborg.

Should be a conclave for smaller decisions like interior design and bird of the year

I bet a plane crashing into a house feels so good for the house

I really appreciate how much squirrels mind their own business.

date: i love an educated man are you familiar with Chekhov's work?
me: yes i am i fucking love Star Trek

soft sciences are for weenies... gimme some of that rock hard, throbbing science

therapist: pick your battles

me: okay gettysburg