JRR Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings as a side project while brainstorming a list of cool names for defense contractors

The animorphs covers weren’t doctored photos. They just found kids that could do that

Reporter: Do aliens exist?

Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly

Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

The sequel is also really good

The Simpsons can only exist in societies that are dumb enough to be mockable but smart enough not to collapse. This narrow “Goldilocks zone” of balanced idiocy is fragile and rare across the galaxy. Most planets invent The Simpsons right before destroying themselves

Cell phones don’t exist. They were never invented. You’re a patient in a 19th century asylum eagerly swiping on a hand mirror

Elderly Sonic unconscious in a hospital bed. Rings spontaneously burst out of his body, setting off alarms. Doctors and nurses scramble to cram the rings back in

Billions spent on war, but not a penny for mech war. Shows what the priority really is

It’s frustrating paying taxes knowing none of it is being spent on a 200 ft tall mech suit

(sharing AI pic of myself dressed in godly robes healing the sick with my magic light)

That’s a picture of me as Mr. Bean. I’m about to mess up

The strait of hormuz is the world’s only source of hormuzium, the element that makes interstellar travel possible

The year is 20XX

You are a STRAIT RUNNER, brave tanker ship captains racing through The Blockade

Swap your ship’s Shield Polarity to block shots of the matching color. Iranian ships launch Blue Missiles and American ships fire Red Missiles

But Andy did play pretend that Woody was aging decades while Buzz remained preserved by relativistic space travel doomed to watch all his loved ones die

As automation replaces jobs, eventually instead of working in an office most people will search for cash in The Maze. Spectators watching on TV can choose to place tools to help them, or unleash a Peril

The recovery team sails to the reentry capsule and pries open the hatch. There’s no capsule in the capsule. Through the door they glimpse a forest of towering white trees beneath an emerald green sky

People are dunking on this design, but Project Darkgate will open a much needed 24/7 portal to Tartarus serving the greater DC area. It currently requires a pentagram, 8 black candles, and a goat’s head every time legislators strike an infernal pact

Sometimes you can’t think of anything good to write, and that’s a perfectly normal thing a lot of writers struggle with. It just means you committed a great sin and displeased The Lord. It means He has punished you by cutting you off from The Source

*a monster truck is crushing 10
schoolbuses filled with children*

Politician: Those buses better be constructed out of U.S. steel or so help me

George Washington is spinning in his grave right now, but only because all corpses do that when nobody is looking

Technically you don't "teleport to Waffle House" when you teleport to Waffle House. You destroy all matter in the universe except for yourself and recreate a perfect copy of the world displaced by a few miles

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The only bad part about unintentionally teleporting to Waffle House is I keep bringing chunks of my floor and furniture with me

Everything from NES to Switch 2. Even more obscure devices like Virtual Boy. It all happened on that mote of cosmic dust glinting in the sunlight. Every Amiibo

Staring at Earth from space, it’s humbling to realize that tiny blue dot was home to every Nintendo console

Having an energy drink so instead of feeling tired I can feel like I’ve been possessed by an ancient Mesopotamian underworld deity

Jack Black: (nude, wearing clay pot on his head, wielding two katanas) Having trouble with Malenia Blade of Miquella? Stand back amigo and let me solo her

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