i don’t feel like a girl i feel like a weird ghost floating through this life

i am just barely holding it together i feel

like . probably not . it’s best that my story probably never be told again

do you really want to know about the college dropout who is so deeply sexually traumatized that they can’t even be hit on without freaking out, who has a sex offender as a dad, divorced parents, and a long history of being abused

like yes actually learning about my past and all of the trauma i have gone through is quite painful and burdensome . and that’s why I don’t tell people about it

i think it’s such a fucking lie when people tell me that i’m not a burden because i know i am and i can’t help it

i’ve been in & out of therapy for . so many years now. and i feel like i don’t meaningfully understand myself any better

i think i’m so fucked up that even therapy can’t fix me high-key

this baja blast is 4 u my lovely emo high school best friend… i hope ur ok :(

and she’s gone . and i don’t know how to reach her or if she wants to be reached . i hope she’s okay

i miss eva so bad i think she was one of the few people across my life who . understood

and for a whole month too jesus christ

i think it’s genuinely so fucking awful that unpacking my trauma sent me spiraling into a deep manic / depressive episode. like fuuuck dude i can’t even begin to reprocess everything that’s happened to me without literally spiraling and wanting to kill myself again

wow so true old ellie

“oh yeah i tried to kill myself” cool story

it’s cute that i’ll spill my guts out . but i don’t think anyone actually even cares enough to read any of it

like i don’t know. am i that bad of a friend? am i just genuinely that fucking unlikeable? like shit maybe i just fucking deserve to rot and be alone and perpetually misunderstood

i feel like i’m pouring everything i have into other people and getting nothing back . and i’ve been doing so for so long . and i’m just told that i have to be okay with it

it’s been 7 years since my last suicide attempt (3/28/2018) and yet i can’t stop thinking about it to this day

nowadays if u asked me i’d say some shit like teen suicide or mount eerie

i remember one time in high school this girl asked me for the saddest song i knew of and i sent her “dawn chorus” by thom yorke lmfaooooooo

probably not tbh let’s be honest

i wonder if i showed people how much i truly suffer if they would care

but you know on the bright side maybe i’ll die some day and i won’t have to suffer anymore

and the worst part is that i don’t know how to ask for help without making myself feel like a burden

i’m struggling so hard right now and i just can’t stop crying no matter what i do or no matter how i distract myself and i’ve been really struggling with my ocd and suicidal thoughts recently

and i don’t really feel accepted or seen either. and i feel like i’ve always had to force myself into situations or engineer a reason for someone to spend time with me and it just… idk, fucking sucks. sometimes a bitch just needs to not be alone tbfh

i didn’t communicate something well once, so now somebody has a negative perception about me now that i need to explain away and like fuuuuckkkkk i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate being perceived by other people

like i genuinely just want to feel accepted & understood for who i am as i am. and i know that i’m certainly not perfect and i often don’t communicate the best, but often it feels like most of my interactions recently just stop there

i feel so sad and so perpetually unseen and misunderstood. i hate the feeling of having to explain myself at every turn and it just makes me want to crawl back into my shell and die