People think I'm pessimistic, but you should see some of the recipes I've saved in the New York Times cooking app

My book, MIDDLEMEN: LITERARY AGENTS AND THE MAKING OF AMERICAN FICTION, comes out one week from today! I’m so excited to share it with you.

Hey it's (my birthday) and my book birthday today! ALIENS ATTACK has landed. Hope you'll check it out!

Maybe opinions were an evolutionary mistake

Yeah, just a regular hat. No big deal.

Also confusing, because I'm just wearing jeans and a sweater. Also a hat? Maybe it was the hat. (it's not a cool hat)

Saw a former student at the campus coffee shop, and they were like, "Oh, Professor Ingram, I didn't recognize you at first. You've got, like, a cool outfit on today." Which sounded like a compliment, but was possibly a sick burn!

The guy who runs this account couldn't go to our conference today and has been kinda busy all day, so thanks to everyone for a great day AND/OR we're terribly sorry for the lunchtime incident, whichever post is more apt to your experience

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly

Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

Missed opportunity, IMO, to end The Pitt with an homage to Grease: everyone sings "We Go Together" and then Robbie rides his motorcycle off into the sky

It’s been a very long time since I was a regulatory reporter in DC, but I just walked by the GAO and got sort of existentially sad

I think Santos should be the one human character when they do the Muppet version of The Pitt

The problem with the quiet car is that it’s full of fussy little bitches, whereas I am a normal, well-adjusted man who just happens to love quiet

What if we pretended like every car was the quiet car

The beauty of a prompt is you can take it in any direction you want!

Writing prompt: pick a fight with the pope

The kids are calling it "lift mogging"

Asserting dominance in the elevator by going to a higher floor than everyone else

Maybe we could solve the crisis of masculinity by making boys go to finishing schools. Teach them how to set a table, walk around with books balanced on their heads. Help them cultivate a personality that's not "irritating podcast guest."

Yeah, it was probably a decade ago and I still think about it

you shouldn’t learn about bands from shady TikTok manipulation, you should learn about bands by hanging out with a girl you like but are also extremely afraid of

Remembering the student who, on their end of semester feedback form, suggested I should wear a different wig every week and then, on the last day of class, I pull that week's wig off to reveal that I've been bald all along

It's the part of the spring semester when my brain is turning to goo inside my head and I start having thoughts like "What if we did a workshop where no one could speak and they all had to mime their feedback?" and "How weird would I have to dress before my students said something about it?"

Getting to an age, especially as a college professor, where I feel like I need a couple eccentric habits, like what if I start whittling in class

Kristen Kish: For this challenge, we asked everyone to put their own spin on a classic paella. What did you make for us today?

Me: *holds Blizzard cup upside down* Bam!

Emeril Lagasse: *stares directly into camera*

Tom Colicchio: I'm not sure this technically fits the challenge of "seafood boil," but damn if I don't love a DQ Blizzard

Food & Wine's Gail Simmons: Did you mean to use this many toffee chips?

Going on Top Chef as "guy who responds to every challenge by making a DQ Blizzard"

Joke’s on you, cats. I actually love it when you walk all over me, it’s like a shiatsu massage. Why would I get out of bed in the middle of a massage

A woman holding her painting, not visible to the camera, with caption “I was rejected by galleries 7 times”

The painting is revealed, it’s Jesus holding the earth in his hands

s/o to all my writer friends getting rejected but keeping the faith

Still workshopping names, but thinking we’ll call it Buds for Chuds