But I am going to try eating a bunch of mustard next time I drink too much anyway

"7 Hangover Cures That Really Work!" and all seven are just drink water

In Texas they don't say "I love you" they say "giddy up gddy'p yeehaw!" and I think that's beautiful

TSA agent told me I did a good job and was very efficient and since then I've been beaming all day 😊😇😊

RIP Chris McCandless, you would have loved Portugal. The Man

Every time I travel I think, what if I just lived my life with only 3 outfits?

Today a random sea turtle swam by right next to me it was magical

Privateers be like: the only way to stop a bad swashbuckling guy with a cannon is to have a good swashbuckling guy with a cannon

Now that my mom takes weed gummies I'm teaching her about the concept of a Cousin Walk before Thanksgiving dinner

Talk about a gaddam perfect album

Playing hide n seek with Jesus would suck because I guess he's omnipotent? Not really fair dude

I love Halloween because when else do I get to see Harry Potter smoking a blunt on the subway?

Chili isn't chili unless it comes from the chili region of PA, otherwise it's just sparkling soup

Babycakes just let people merge

Living rent free in your head (but in like the Parasite type of way)

4 shots of espresso and no food is the breakfast of neurotic champions

Never met a pimple I didn't wanna pop

Dakota Johnson has the worst line reads I've ever seen I want to watch every movie she does

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why people say Hereditary is "sooo scary".

Ugh coworker hit me with the "you look tired"

I don't think I would survive long in the Silo because I haven't seen any characters with iced coffee

When is Disney making the live action Steamboat Willie?

There are a MULTITUDE of fireflies in my backyard I'm in heaven

Culturally a Mets fan on my dad's side (non-practicing)

My mom has discovered this emoji: 🥴 and has been using it to great effect

Maybe men are too emotional to lead

babe are you ok you've barely touched your unread books

Lyft driver had a hundred dashboard warning lights and kept making wrong turns. Then Backstreet Boys "As Long As You Love Me" came on and, without warning, he cranked up the volume super loud. 5 stars

Can hardly believe it but I just saw a SECOND baddie wearing a DIFFERENT Christopher Moltisanti graphic tee

Honestly same