I love you. Just not ‘pick up the phone when you call’ love you

Turns out Groupon is not a sex club.

Sipping my coffee and getting ready for whatever fresh hell awaits me today.

Why don’t these forms ever ask the important questions like what kind of idiot are you

I hate when someone posts what they think is a thirst trap, and I'm just like, where dem titties?

sad twats in your area need forehead kisses

Maybe one sock is ghosting the other sock and it’s really none of our business.

Just awkward enough to be interesting

time is never wasted so long as i’m wasted with you babe

It's clear that essential oils are not living up to their end of the bargain.

Fuck me like there actually is a tomorrow.

By jingo I use a lot of obsolete expressions.

Just like my ancestors had daily standoffs with bears and alligators, my pug once again does not want to take his anxiety medicine.

Adding lol to the most depressing text ever so my friend knows I'm fine 😎

It is more or less secure if I also don't know any of my passwords or PIN codes

Send all the coffee.

i love a girl who smells like a candy store

The wedge is the most divisive of all salads.

Long story short she didn't get my Joey from Blossom reference so I knew sexting was off the table.

In summer, I drive with my hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

work is stupid

Queen, Kid Rock and the Beastie Boys came on the radio one after the other and all of a sudden I was dancing shirtless with a mullet, drinking brass monkey.

I belong among the wildflowers, not in a meeting that could have been an email.

It’s hard watching other people doing yard work, but this beer isn’t gonna drink itself.

*seductively eats a potato chip off the floor of my car*

[me flirting]
wanna nap and occasionally scratch each other’s backs?

Bluesky has given me the false impression I can reply to work emails only if they are funny and on topic

A KitKat fixed me.