need Michelle Pfeiffer, Keri Russell, and Meghann Fahy to play estranged family members asap

it should be noted that none of them could explain what a smashburger was and how it is different from a regular hamburger

my coworkers all think I’m a freak because I eat tofu so sometimes I will make them explain meat meals to me like I’ve never heard of them before

giles corey they’ll never make me hate youuuu

omg just remembered the time I saw darota from gossip girl on the subway hey queen

Hillary was explaining labubus to me because I asked and I was like wait so what are they are they like animals, are they a race, what’s going on. And she goes they’re like minions. And I was like got it.

keeping in touch with the resident transmasc at every workplace after I leave isn’t just my duty as the resident lesbian, it’s my privilege

one thing about me is I will always recognize an actor from 1 episode of greys anatomy 15 years ago

ryan murphy writes like a sophomore playwriting student who wrote one great monologue on his first try and is now trying to replicate that every single time despite being given constant feedback that he needs to show some versatility

my useless talent is being able to tell you what celebrity is doing the vo in a commercial

nothing quite like being stoned and staring at your phone trying to remember what the fuck you were gonna say

my niece just hit a super important childhood milestone: discovering British accents

Really crazy that homeschooling is legal, tbh

hilarious to watch the people who wrung their hands about posting their baby’s face suddenly stop caring like 3-4 years in

it happened to me: I watched 3 episodes of the pitt in a row and accidentally activated my medical anxiety

when I spray febreze after I smoke that’s me casting a protection spell on my house

actual sentence I said out loud just now: ok we’ve fucked with audrey’s gender, I wanna fuck with seymour’s gender now

The next season of The White Lotus should take place at a motel in New Hampshire equidistant from the North Conway outlet mall and the glacier caves.

my niece is obsessed w paw patrol right now and every single time she makes me watch it it makes me CRY! there was a whole flashback scene in this one movie where one of the pups never got adopted bc she was too small and they left her out alone in a barn and then she went out on HER OWN in THE SNOW

got food from a food truck last night and the guy served it to me and turned back around to the grill so he didn’t realize I was still standing there getting condiments and he started singing I’m just an ordinary girllllll

I mean this so seriously it looks like it must be so much fun to be from New Jersey

I hate my anxiety but it's undoubtedly responsible for keeping me from committing multiple crimes

last night I went to hug a person I have met socially many times (whose name I did actually know) and they extended their hand and were like “hi have we met before?” so basically I don’t think I can ever go outside again

jerrod carmichael guest judge…. they did that just for me I think

maybe i said this last time but i only refer to the characters on white lotus by their actor names idk their character names who tf is victoria ???

mamma mia coming back to Broadway is a recession indicator but I will be soooo sat

HE IS CRUSHING IT

discovered that Little Caesar’s has an Apple Watch app and it’s just this image that you can’t interact with in any way

got a job offer today (yay) and the only thing I knew about my singular coworker was his first name. I searched “[first name] [workplace]” on fb and the second post was a picture of him posted by the location we work at. this more than anything lately made me want to get off fb forever lmao