Dog: [puts slobbery disgusting toy in my lap]
Me: eww gross
Dog: u are heathen

Please don't reply to my posts with facts I am trying to be an idiot

It’s not cool to celebrate someone’s death. Sure, Vlad the Impaler dipped his bread in the blood of his victims, but he was a human being who deserves our courtesy and respect

Everyone’s gangster until they use a pen that is satisfyingly smooth and fun to write with.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled apocalypse already in progress

Therapist: what are you anxious about?

Me: yes

Oh I get it: corn…maize haha the world’s on fire

Am I out of gift ideas or this year does everyone need berets?

me love you a reasonable amount of time

I like my work boots. But their hardened soles make me sound like a femme fatale walking down a long hallway full of shadows and smoke and intrigue.

I'm not a liar. I have an English degree. I'm an unreliable narrator.

For every “can’t stop, won’t stop” there is an equal and positive “straight up, gave up”

I’m the on call ophthalmologist for Black Friday, because somebody has to see the fork injuries.

Her: Whisper in my ear
Me: [seductively] During the Middle Ages, victims of the bubonic plague were flung over castle walls using catapults

Tube of Ocean Spray and some Snoop wine.

You’ve got to let them breathe

i don’t want to learn my lesson i like it difficult

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to provide more value for shareholders

DROP THE WEAPON, CHARLIE BROWN

Her constant badgering doomed our relationship. "Where are we going to put all these badgers?!" I'd scream.

Don't forget to take pie breaks today. You don't wanna get The Bends.

I have your cousins lighter.

Eye catching...like a fishhook

It’s -30° and there was no heat at work today. I am a frozen turd.
*sits on heating pad, but all sexy like*

I feel like I'm finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

My arthritic knee just cracked so loudly that bitch better glow in the dark tonight.

hate it when I finally get on the local news and then they pixelate my junk.

Carol of the bells, Max of the tinnitus

Business idea: just give me money