Bowser

Happy St. Patrick's Day, New York.

Earlier I implied that I escorted yo' momma through the Strait of Hormuz. I apologize for the misinformation. Yo' momma's too fat for such a narrow passageway and whatnot.

I would very much like this in a tall size

I thought “boy, I’m going to regret finding out why everyone is suddenly talking about Max Landis,”and I do!

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.

As a lifetime relatively chill guy, it’s weird adapting to the new reality that, given the capability and opportunity, there is an ever growing list of people I’d like to never stop punching

I wish I knew more about the dotcom or housing bubbles. Were they all this obvious or is this one just super dumb?

Speaking as a lifelong Democrat: That's not what we want, you dumb fuck

I guess I do think if you participated in the arrest of a five-year-old you are probably just fundamentally incompatible with society. That you are not a safe person for humanity to be around, generally

His name is Liam Ramos, and he is 5. He was abducted from Minneapolis and trafficked to a detention camp in Texas.

It is vitally important that someone monitors The Rock’s social media feeds right now. He will somehow be the first to know.

I worked at a tiny college town video store on 9/11. We only had one customer all day, an older guy in a nice suit, who told me it was all a conspiracy to get people to donate blood and then he rented The Crew

Trying to come up with exclusively male groups that have neutral/positive vibes. Frats, social, religious, military, political groups: big red flags. Intramural sports? Gay orgies? Like if you had a friend say he was going to either of those events, you might say ‘eh, not my thing, but have fun!’

I know it's a little late, but hear me out...

Lord, grant me the confidence of the DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE team sending out "For Your Consideration" messages for best adapted screenplay

Any clue who this is supposed to be?

It's reeeeal fucking weird but not surprising that Brian Robbins name isn't mentioned once in Quiet on the Set. As if they didn't know who could possibly be protecting Dan Sneider. Good job, lawyers!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to our patron saint.

Now that THAT business is over, I assume you'll all be joining me in my JONATHAN CREEK marathon, already in progress

I did a Death Spa/Hell Spa double feature a while ago and it was a very particular kind of experience

I was buying a 50ft powered sewer auger, so you can see how I'd be particularly vulnerable at the moment.

Wasn't prepared to hear "What Was I Made For" at the Home Depot and now I need to go to bed for the rest of the year

A list of holiday greetings I received this year, in order from least heard to most heard:

#4. Happy New Year
#3. Happy holidays
#2. Merry Christmas
#1. For your consideration: BARBIE in the category of Best Original Screenplay

If I was repeating the same day over and over again, I'd probably reference GROUNDHOG DAY a lot, but if I was writing a script with that concept, I'd probably avoid calling out the similarity. Or you know, avoid the concept altogether.

This is goddamn art.

I'm not saying seasonal affective disorder is real, but I did just walk into a 7-11 where the clerk was telling a customer "there a lot worse things than death"

Read this as "self-taught quitters" and thought, "Damn, I finally have a way to self-identify"