🥰🥰

Create a weight loss plan for me. Wrong answers only.

😂🥰

I like this plan a lot! 🍩

😂👍🏽

Create a daily workout routine for me. Wrong answers only.

surprise video calls from the boss should be illegal

need to get back in shape, haven’t been called “sport” since i was a kid

All hammered up on wassail

🥰🥰

guess I’ll still be posting since I’m not a billionaire again

“Merry Christmas, Sexy!” said the unknown number, a little after midnight.

another year without getting my dream present: a trap door for solicitors

Me: [gets a hippopotamus for Christmas]

My cat (staring at his litter box): wtaf

The average person eats 25 marshmallows in their sleep per hour

The average person eats 50 secrets in their sleep per minute

sorry for the foul language. im a parent so saying "what the fuck" is really just second nature at this point

a wise man once said: her me out

one of those hugs might fix me

Ha! Good one! 🚽

Possible scents? Gunpowder. gasoline? fear?

Seems like low-hanging fruit that there isn’t a candle company called “John Wick.”

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

a woman in a black and white striped sweater has the word drama on her chest Alt: a woman in a black and white striped sweater has the word drama on her chest

Ha! Why yes!

Someone shrieked an office chair was killing them. There wasn’t even a sign of a struggle when I peeked over my cubicle.

A person sits in a subway car, dressed as a Christmas tree.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Therapist: I think we’re having a break-through.

Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah

you lost me at figgy but brought me right back with pudding

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.