thinking about the time i wanted to show someone how badly i had cracked my phone and, in a moment of 21st-century insanity, took a screen shot

i nicknamed my legs "these" and "colors"

march came in like a lion and went out like a fucking decade later

this is like if the chicago white sox replaced all of their players with lizards and scarecrows and instead of a starting pitcher, they had a first-year med student performing open-heart surgery on the mound with no anesthetic and half their fans being like "well, at least they're trying something!"

ya know how there’s a movie none of us saw called “salmon fishing in the yemen”? and ya know how you can say that title in the exact same cadence as drew barrymore in ET when she says “alligators in the sewers”? well, now you know all of that

[standing at glory hole]
me: yeah, take it. how do you like that, huh?
her: *pushing back my screenplay*

i spent $4,000 on girl scout cookies because they are the same price as last year so eating them is actually making money against inflation. good luck with your 401Ks, bozos.

i had a dream where guy fieri ran into my bedroom and yelled "you can't spell nachos without 'chaos'!!" and just left

australian rappers are like "and if ya djuoin't knjyoier, nyoiw ya knjyoier"

i know they're getting rid of departments left and right, but the government should hire a few people in each state to drive around areas with high elderly populations and post flyers that say "the government will never ask you to pay them in gift cards"

so sorry to keep you waiting. i got held up really not wanting to be here.

host: anyone for coffee
me: sure
host: how do you take it
me: in… in my esophagus?

therapist: i want you to take a deep breath

giraffe: ok

therapist: [35 minutes later] good

i’ve never purchased a rug. i’ve never looked at my floor and been like “know what that floor needs? more floor”

is it a reasonable amount of insufferable? or actually other place adjacent insufferable?

i closed my eyes for a brief 13 months and this place blew up, huh?

gonna tell my kids this was nirvana

it's pretty amazing how, as a species, we all just collectively decided within the last decade that "let's go!!!!" was going to replace "that's what i'm talking about!!!" without even a single group meeting about it

“this would fix me” and it’s just the t-shirt hoodie combo i’m wearing in a photo from 7 years ago

remember when the world was like “hey, wanna know something neat? your blood is really blue inside your body and red when it’s outside your body!” and then the world was like “yooo JK you ain’t got no magic blood, you basic bitch”

i appreciate the timeline reminders to unclench my jaw but then i sit there with an “ok well i don’t know how my face is supposed to be” jaw instead for the next 15-20 seconds and i think it’s better to just keep clenching

it's stupid that the word 'onomatopoeia' isn't even close to being an onomatopoeia. the word for an onomatopoeia should be like 'howzitsownd' or 'maykadanoyz'

wanna feel old? these are the guys from workaholics

News Associated Press With just three words, Joe Biden changes everything

"aliens eat pussy"

this is always my contention

matt gaetz looks like a funeral director in toontown

it’s so funny that he got fired but still has to show up there every day for another year with all the people who voted him out. he’s like a submarine captain who is relieved of his duties but then is just, still, there in the sub