a tastefully bordered montage of three photos of a pair of Costco muffins in a plexiglass display case, in one the muffins are next to a printout of the front page of a newspaper, to prove the date the photo was taken

my photo app made me a compilation called "similar shots" and it's all just pictures of the magically non-decaying Costco muffins we've had for six years

I'm doing looksmaxxing except it's the baby slamming his weirdly hard little skull into my face bones while I'm trying to snuggle

the real bullshit thing is that these mofos destroying everything for more money & power would probably genuinely be happier if UBI paid for them to raise alpacas & date a charcoals artist in a cute little Stardew Valley town and they didn't have to do cocaine & pedophile shit just to feel something

(cw toddler shit)
look I'm sure he's a great guy in every respect but I wasn't emotionally fucking prepared for Tall Third Blippi

Chris got the baby a set of wooden blocks and he's made it his mission to put them back in the bucket IMMEDIATELY

putting a little arch on top of two columns? sorry Mommy that shit ain't up to code [East Wing of the White Houses it]

passing along from my partner who used to work for Philz

"Heads up we need to not go to Philz anymore, the previous leaders were forced out in 2021, and private equity snagged it last year, and now all the stores are being told to remove pride flags to make them more "inclusive"

Fuck these people"

how did you know the third side of the cube says "bitch"

anyone who doesn't appreciate how cute and happy you look in pictures now is a soulless monster imo 🤷

alphabet block with a pink L on one side and a pink triangle on another

teaching the baby about lesbian

you ever have those dreams where you're really tired because that is some bullshit

I was gonna say, shit is this how I find out which side of Xennial I'm *actually* on and get upset?

baby books are like "you're my precious darling muffin, a manifestation of sweetness and light" then the baby's like "I'm gonna pulp this book between my teeth and rub the resulting paste into Daddy's chest hair"

did not even question!

this and also the thing where two of your bars are so low that it takes hours to meaningfully fix either of them because you keep passing out in your soup

me: petscop is truly a multi-layered work of genius

person I convinced to watch petscop: so how many more minutes do I stare at the bad ps1 clock before something happens

me: oh haha no nothing's going to *happen,* hey everybody this guy thought something was gonna HAPPEN

other petscop fans: HAHA

I mean she's not wrong and WOW that sweater

(leaving baby swim class)
Chris: This is our p-p-p-p-pool, notice there is a LOT of pee in it

bowls full of jelly

Chris, reading Night Before Christmas to the baby:...then went straight to his work, he filled all the stockings, then started to twerk

me: I'm not sure that's

Chris: He's turning the pages too fast!

DOGE Bro’s Grant Review Process Was Literally Just Asking ChatGPT ‘Is This DEI?’

Federal grants that had been approved after a full application and review process were terminated by some random inexperienced DOGE bros based on whether ChatGPT could explain—in under 120 characters—that they were…

a stick of butter, completely intact except for a section in the middle that's been roughly hollowed out like the earliest stages of a birch bark canoe

what kind of monster

Chris says it's not weird and some tables just do "roll for sex" as a funny joke but, crucially, he did NOT make my punk rock bard character roll to consummate her accidental marriage to the evil warlock who's only partly human even before you account for him being made out of chocolate

"I PROMISE I didn't put this corkscrew up my ass on purpose, I just rolled a 1, honest"

[talking about D&D]
my favorite barista: my dumb drow barbarian got inspiration, I couldn't figure out what to do so I said I'd just go to bed & jerk off, I rolled a 20 : D

me: hahaha that's great

me like 5 minutes after leaving the coffeeshop: wait is it weird he made her roll to jerk off 🤔

actually wait I've just received a breaking news update that the baby is asleep

I need to apologize

earlier I tried to give the baby a nap on the grounds that it was "about naptime" & he was "acting sleepy"

I've since been informed by his spirited flopping & shrieking that he does NOT need a nap now or ever again

to make up for this I will be allowing him to stay up forever

like straight up in 90 minutes a narrative designer who's never watched an American football game before is going to galaxy brain the fuck out and... I guess just invent blaseball again probably huh

deeply enjoy how all my Xennial nerd friends are making announcements today like "right, in the spirit of resistance I am going to put on the sports-ball and allow the sweaty mans to grunt at balls in my vicinity, if I die from too much ball exposure please bury me underneath the library"

"hey kid you wanna go lie on some eggs?"

honestly I don't know! I just went to make the post & glimpsed a horrible vision of a future in which the only responses it got were people saying "who tf refrigerates hot sauce?"

now the responses it's getting are all from enthusiastic hot sauce refrigerators! so I really dodged a bus there!